Expert: Robert Rubel - 12/4/2011

Question
I'm going to go ahead and apologize for such a long story, it's crucial for my question:

I've been in a relationship with a strictly vanilla man for about 2 years now. We had an unexpected pregnancy face us, and we decided to keep it and raise the child together (I am in my second trimester now). We are engaged, and love each other strongly.

But here's the problem:

I've been completely fascinated with the BDSM lifestyle since I was 14 (I am now 21), and before my relationship with my fiance I was in a D/s relationship for about a year. During which my passion for being a sub grew immensely as my Dom showed me for the first time what it was like to be in such a relationship sexually and emotionally in real life. Unfortunately, events happened and I left my Dom; at which point I found myself madly inlove with my current fiance shortly after. I was sure I could leave behind my previous lifestyle for a vanilla one, because I was so head over heels for this vanilla man.

I was satisfied with this tender romance for a while, but I've recently come to find myself daydreaming everyday of BDSM, even watching porn of it and awing at pictures of women being restrained by their Doms when I get time alone... but this only makes my craving worse. And so I have come to realize I crave to have at least a taste of BDSM in my life again.

So one day I got the idea to mention it casually to my fiance and see what kind of response he would give me. So I slipped "Erotica" by Madonna in my car CD player while on the way to the store with him. I then slyly blurted out my "opinion" of the song (which i often do about everything) by saying: "See, this is what I love about her, she had the balls to publicly speak about erotic lifestyles. God, i love her."

He responded: "What do you mean?"

In which I responded: "You know, BDSM, right?"

He then went on a rant about how he thought BDSM was strictly for "people who have serious mental illness" and how "immature and disgusting" it is. This enraged my mind, and without thinking I blurted out: "Do you think I've got serious mental illnesses then?"

He questioned me and I told him that I had done it before, and liked it, a lot. And that I liked it ever since I was 14. He sat there with an expression of annoyance on his face, he obviously wanted me to shut up and never talk about it again to him. So I did.

Now I'm not wanting him to completely convert and become a full time Dom for me, as I know this would be a completely ridiculous request of him. I simply dream of a time where every now and then we can just do a few of the things I miss sexually (bondage, spankings, orgasm denial, etc) just to tide me over and take the edge off.

Bare in mind that I have absolutely NO intention of sabotaging my relationship with him over this primal thurst of mine; I plan on being with this man for 18+ years as we raise our child together. I am just desperately seeking advice from an experienced individual in BDSM - Is there anything I can say to him to try to at least convince him to please just listen and try to understand about what I want and so desperately crave?

Thank you so much for reading all of this mess. It means so much to me to get some advice, I can't talk to just anyone about this.

Answer
Ack!

Well, you're starting out a marriage with a severe difference in how you want to be pleased.  You're probably interested in rough sex, but most of the skills for that come from the world of BDSM.  

It seems to me that you have three options beyond simply abandoning your NEEDS to his wants (he doesn't want to explore this with you).  [Note:  In Master/slave and Dom/sub relations, one of the absolutely key points is that the Master's or Dom's wants cannot trump slave/sub's needs.  So, you risk starting a marriage where your core need is being ignored.  Not great.

1) Do not marry him and find someone who is a better fit (I know; you've ruled that one out)

2) Ask whether he is willing to be open-minded about this and read a couple of books and perhaps go a time or two (or possibly join) your local group.  (To find your local group, try an Internet search on BDSM and the name of your city, OR join www.FetLife.com for free and do a search for your city.  If you do that, I'm Dr_Bob and would be delighted if you linked over to me as a friend).  If you wish to go the education route, then I'd recommend a couple of books:  Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns and When Someone you Love is Kinky (Dossie Easton).  If you want more reading or website resources, write back to me.

3) Negotiate right now that you will be permitted to have your own Dom or Master outside your marriage who will satisfy those aspects of your sexuality that he cannot provide.

Hope this helps and feel free to ask follow-on questions.

Bob