Expert: Robert Rubel - 12/11/2011

Question
Dear Bob,
I really am very grateful for ur help! I have noone to talk about all this BDSM stuff and u are the only light in the dark for me… May be I am thinking too much 
Even without reading the books u offered I can see what my problems are. Thank u for that! The guy I am talking about is 42 (I am 33). He is married, with 4 kids. He is a private jet pilot, has no stable job. I have no idea about money he earns, only thing I know that his wife holds him at his balls when it comes to money therefore he is very stingy. He said also that after his wife found him cheating on her (that happened long before we met), she lost her trust and respect for him. He is still with his wife only because of kids (usual bs) and his biggest fear is to be seen as a f***face if he leaves them. I never asked him to do so, on the contrary I often tell him to turn to his family and give them the time he spends on fantasizing, masturbating and skyping me…
Your answer made me think that this guy is immature… He puts on a mask of an arsehole to appear strong and important being actually very sensitive, emotional and responsive. He wants to impress me with something he is not. He told me he would be very happy to start his life again, with a woman like me… It happened that we were very open with each other and shared our desires and ways we wanted to be pleased. We have the one and only common interest, which is sex and we both avoid going anywhere else simply because there is no point in getting too involved. Yet very often I feel he expects me to submit not only physically… and I never did because he has no power over me, no emotional neither financial nor intellectual… only physical. Perhaps I am not truly submissive since it requires so much for me to be dominated 
I chose the wrong man. I also see that I am not really ready to go into any kind of relationships, left alone D\S or M\S. I stop at the top/bottom level. Its not working because I am trying to have my bit of fun (I enjoy pain) without going too deep. I don’t feel like committing myself to any man. And the reason for that is another story….

Thank you, Bob!
You are a star!

Big hug,

M.

Answer
Very welcome.  Thank YOU for being open minded and flexible enough to be able to make use of my observations.

Concerning being a submissive...

In my experience, people only permit themselves to be submissive when there is total trust in the other person.  Lacking that trust, they keep walls up.  I feel this in myself with respect to my current partner, who is a Domme.  When I'm nervous about our relationship, I call her by her name; when I'm comfortable with our relationship, I call her Ma'am.  I'm a switch.

Also, I know many, many women who have been betrayed in their submissive relationships with men and have switched to being a Domme.  Even strong Dommes will sometimes admit that they're still looking for the elusive "Daddy" to take care of them.  (A Daddy/girl structure is nurturing without taking power from the girl.)

I'm delighted with your note.  You're on the right path; contratulations and a hug...

Bob