Expert: ziggy ziegler - 2/15/2011

Question
Hi
I'm just on the start of my jounrey as it were, I'm a female sub, and can't quite escape the fact I need to be a full-time sub, serving all needs on a 24/7 basis. I have a very understanding partner who is willing to share me with a more formal master, and I have found a seemingly perfect one but we are still in the very beginning stages.
However, I have a particularly sensitive problem; previously to both relationships I was very violently sexually assaulted, and still suffer from problems relating to this. My problems are acutely linked to trust, which is very obviously closely liked with dominance/submission, and I have already had two flashbacks during the beginning stages of my training. I had warned my master of my problems and he at first was understanding of this. However after my second flashback which was particularly bad an argument followed where he told me I must address my problems before further training. He has since apologised, but I notice we are tiptoeing around each other now.
My question is whether he was right or not, and whether I should bow out of any more training from him to try to overcome my problems. The reason I'm have trouble with this is that I find the only way to overcome my problems is to trust someone implicitly, and this comes with time with me. I do wonder whether my flashbacks caused some dented pride that he potentially wasn't putting me at ease, but he doesn't seem to wish to discuss the matter and I am wary of his reaction to me putting forwards the question, though surely I should be able to? I have some hopes in this master, we are very similarly minded but I feel before I can completely surrender myself I need to know if I have a further flashback it won't result in another argument.

Answer
Dear Ali

Thank you for the question. I believe it says a great deal about you for reaching out..I know from personal experience that dealing with such challenges can be difficult. Having delt with such challenges myself, my heart goes out to you.

A few thoughts come to mind

First, It sounds like you have a clear understanding of what you struggle with and that my friend is huge. I commend you for having the courage to step into a relationship where you face the one thing that you struggle with and that you are able to share those things with your owner; that had to be scary.

I do think its fair to say that there are some people that will not be able to handle things as well as we would hope they would.. In one of my potential relationships i was trying to share what i experienced that led me to where i am at and some of my personal challenges.. She promptly said "Now that you told me, tell a therapist" Ok that hurt like you would not believe. We didn't last ( not for that but it was part of it) Like  you i am very insightful about my challenges and wanted someone who could support me as i work through some of my issues with trust. I needed my owner to be couragous and not fearful. I need them to seen my potential and capitalize on those strengths while "i" begin to deal with the things that are best left to a therapist.

i had to look at what i needed with regards to an owner. Most important for me is the ability to express my desire to over come those challenges and to talk about how certain things and how my experiences may effect me. My owners inability or unwillingness to discuss those challenges that arise in our relationship is a red flag to their ability to deal with me. I believe that i come as a whole package. I need to know that if something triggers me that my owner is willing to discuss how he or she might help me while maintaining the dynamic we both find fulfilling. As you well know trust and the ability to communicate and be heard is critical for surrender. I dont need to feel like damaged goods...by my owner.. i have enough of that going on in my own head.

The master that said i need to tell a therapist.. we are good friends now well as good as any slave and master can be. She agreed she was insensitive but was dealing with her own feeling of inadequacies at the time. I have since met a wonderful owner who gets me and is interested in me being healthy and fulfilled in my surrender.

Letting go is never easy but i believe that if you tap into what you need as a slave and as a person you might find that your owner fulfills a certain need and you both do connect in a certain way however, if you are unable to have an open dialog about things that are important to you or you are afraid of  upsetting the apple cart by being honest. This issue will continue to arise. I am not sure if your Sir is right or not.. only the two if you know. I do think that if you are able work with someone who deals with PTSD, and the challenges that go along with it and he is willing to be there for you in a nonjudgemental way i see no reason to bow out. I guess the question is ."is this particular master going to be able to support you as you work towards trusting while maintaining the dynamic you desire?"

Again thank you for your question. I wish you the very best of what you desire.

warmest regards
slave ziggy