Expert: Robert Rubel - 9/6/2011

Question
QUESTION: Mr.Rubel i have always known i was different & needed a different relationship to b happy but until a few years ago i didnt know any of this exsit. I was married, and have been n only 2 relationships since my divore, i never date men i could fall for only ones that need me. i have spent the past few years looking for the perfect master. I finally found one who was looking for a real 24\7 in &out of the bedroom BDSM relationship,one that leads having it all. My question is how do i know he is on the up & up? I mean he is always busy and here lately the only time he summoms me is foe a booty call but he has changed my looks&more to his likes. I LOVE to make him happy, i cant stop thinking about him,and no im not a silly high school girl, Im a43 yr. old div. mom of 2. I have always been up front & honest with him, he knows what i want & knows a booty call BDSM relationship is not one of them. What do i do, can a master fall in love, am i allowed to give him notice on what he already knows about me? Please help

ANSWER: Hi, Lavator,

You should be able to "check him out" through mutual friends within the kink community and on Fetlife.  

If he's not active in a local community and/or on Fetlife, you probably have a red flag.  If you utterly fail to find anyone to validate him, I'd be very, very concerned.  If he tries to isolate you and keep you from going to BDSM events and have BDSM friends, I'd be very alarmed.

There probably is no such thing as a "perfect master".  We're all just people trying to get through life without hurting others, but by the time we become real adults, we all have bumps and wrinkles.  Some are on the outside, some are on the inside.  You bridge the bumps and wrinkles with communication.

If the guy is only seeing you for sex, then you may have a yellow flag already hoisted.  If he's "always busy", what is he busy doing?  And, if he's so busy, how does that make him the perfect master?  And does he know what "perfect master" looks like to you?  

You might want to pick up a copy of my book: "Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice" -- Amazon.  There are checklists in there about what to look for and what to avoid in a potential "Master".

The "love issue" is too complicated to type out right here. There is a LOT of controversy about it.  Also, I can't tell whether you're interested in a Dom/sub or Master/slave relationship.  They're VERY different, as you may have found out already.

If he's saying "I want you for BDSM booty call" and you've made it clear that you're not interested in that, you've got another red flag.

D/s and Master/slave are consensual relationship structures.  You are not only "allowed" to let him know what you want/need, you MUST let him know those thinks and determine whether he's interested in providing them.

Yes, a master CAN fall in love; some (myself included) simpl will NOT fall in loe with a slave.  It's not what a slave is for.  But I'm pretty radical and traditional in that view.  And, I'm part of the Leather world, not the BDSM world -- a sentence that will make more sense if you get my book.

Write back if you have other questions.

Bob

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Mr.Rubel thank you for your help my other question in how do i go about finding a kink community to make friends and find true doms.?  Thank You  Lavator

Answer
Lavator --

Go on to www.Fetlife.com (free) and put the name of your city in the search box.  You'll probably start out by going to a "munch."  Those are street-dress get-togethers, usually in a local restaurant.  From there, find a senior submissive and introduce yourself and explain your background and needs.

If you wish, write to me privately with the city you're in and I'll see if I know someone there to recommend.  My email is PowerExchangeEditor@yahoo.com

Bob