Expert: awhitecloud - 2/9/2011

Question
Dear awhitecloud:
This is probably too long to print but if you could read this and maybe answer this question I have about being a sub.  I do not know if I am or have it in me to really submit to another but I am married to a VERY submissive person and I think I might be just a little crazy.  I do not know what I am.  I think I am a sub but I really do not like giving up control, and yet I constantly dream of someone taking care of my sexual needs.  And I dream of not having to satisfy myself.  I dream of having someone make me come at their timeline. Not rushing to get it over.  I know this sounds like a yearning strait out of a romance novel; but I think that I am just sort of a deviant.
I was involved for just under a year with a guy when I was nineteen—Dominick.  He was close to forty.  I met him when I was eighteen at a drag show.  I really admired him and felt he was really intense.  He made my heart pound and my skin tingle every time we interacted.  I could barely stop most of the time from hyperventilating when he focused on me.  He seemed to be into me from the beginning.  He started out sort of bossing me around and checking up on me after I was out partying--just saying he wanted to make sure I got home, etc.  Then his swats on the butt (to get me moving faster) started that thrilled me to the extreme.  Because I was pretty heavily into loving drag and the fun social atmosphere that surrounded the business, we had a lot of friends in common and socialized in some of the same, really mixed--age wise & orientation crowds.  Whenever I saw him with other people or partners, he was always with women or sometimes men in their 30’s.  After about a year he asked me to help him move some of his stuff to an art studio.  I jumped at the chance to be alone with him. Then he made his move and kissed my socks off.  He was always very demanding and I loved that about him.
To this day, he is the only guy who has ever made me come while having sexual contact with him.  At the time I was a virgin and he was really different.  He never penetrated me the entire time we were together even though his hard on looked painful.  So I never thought it was an attraction or performance issue.  He had me give him blowjobs while he held the binding that had my wrists tied behind my back while on my knees.  It was so lovely.  He always pulled the restraint tight so that it was slightly uncomfortable for me the whole time.  But for some reason it really made me happy.  He would then tie my legs apart either on my back or other ways so that he could stimulate me with his fingers and tongue until I was screaming and begging for him to stop.  I begged him to take my virginity but he never did.  Saying that I was too young and that he could never take that from me.  This made me so sad that he would hold this from me like I was not good enough or something.
We separated ways after a time because I went to school in another State.  I tried to keep the relationship going but when I moved back just to be with him a year later, he had moved on to someone else.  He was kind but firm in letting me down.  Telling me that I really was too young for him but that I was wonderful and that I would “find that someone special to take me in hand”..At the time I thought “whatever.”  After a few months of complete hurt and depression I started to doubt that I had any effect on him at all so I tried to move on.  But what I did not realize at the time was that what he gave me were the most intense feelings I have ever had not to mention the most intense orgasms.
Over the years I have since lost my virginity.  And I enjoy sex it feels really good, but I have never been able to achieve orgasm from penetration or from oral stimulation with another person.  I always have to get the job done by my own hands so to speak.  I did not really look into BDSM until recently, but I remember as a kid finding a really risqué comic depicting some bondage and Betty Page picture in my older cousin’s bookshelf when I was returning a book when I was about twelve.  I remember being obsessed with that picture and the comic in a weird way.  But I was always embarrassed to ask about them with my cousin.  And I was really ashamed it the feelings it made me feel when I would imagine that I was tied up like the depictions or that I looked as beautiful as Betty did in her corset.
Fast forward over some awkward and sometimes painfully stupid relationships all very mainstream non exciting sort of mechanical sex, etc…  I met my husband when I was seventeen and then kept in touch with him off and on over the years.  We came together as a couple about sixteen years ago.  I love him and he is my best friend.  But here is where I get messy.  I love having sex with him but he has never been able to “get me off” I can only come when he is really stimulating my nipples and I am masturbating.  This makes me so sad.  I cannot explain how lonely I feel when this happens.  I give him blow jobs every night and only have penetration sex with him about once a month. Which, I really enjoy.  But have to work really hard to get off.  I thought I might be “frigid”  for lack of a better term but then I reasoned that I did have extreme desire, where sometimes I am so aroused in inappropriate places that I have to make little trip s to the bathroom to relieve my dilemma.
My feelings of inadequacy and defectiveness started to bother me about eight years ago.  I thought that there was something wrong with me and started to go to a therapist.  I went to her for almost three years.  She was sort of helpful in getting me to communicate more freely with my husband but for the most part she made me feel worse.  She said things to me like that I had issues with commitment and I was unable to get past the trust issues I have in relationships. That maybe I should consider that I could not orgasm because I did not have a healthy outlook on that act of sexual intercourse.  That I have unrealistic expectations of my partners and that my need for what she calls edginess in the act of sex is a need for a father’s love.  Well I really internalized her comments and began to distance myself from my husband which did not make either of us very happy.   In short, I started to feel even worse.  She then suggested I try and talk with my husband about the things that I feel.  So I did.  My husband, as I told you is very sexually submissive and was concerned but not overly helpful.  He suggested that I was just tired and that he loved me etc….  He is a sweetie, but not much has really changed.  
I eventually stopped seeing my therapist deciding that I was more miserable going to her than not.  However, just before I stopped seeing her, my therapist was called out of town for an emergency and asked if I could see one of her colleagues.  I agreed.  I was not used to telling a man about my innermost workings but he made me feel comfortable so I went to him three times while my therapist was out.  He asked me some things that to this day have resonated with me.  He did not make me feel as if I am somehow defective but rather I might be just different.  He asked me if I had ever had a dominant lover.  I thought about it and I relayed some of what transpired between me and my (what I call my first lover, Dominick.)  He said I should consider that that this relationship may have some bearing on the development of my sexuality.  That the relationship that I had with Dominick, since I was young and inexperienced, may have had a lasting effect with what I need.  He also thought that I should explore my needs by reading about sexuality. And not be ashamed of how I feel.  He suggested that sexuality is not one set way.  
This was a couple of years ago.  He did not ever mention BDSM, but after reading and surfing I have thought to ask you guys since you are experts. Do my feelings of wanting someone to take control of my pleasure make me a sub?  Do I need a therapist or a teacher?  Do you in your infinite wisdom think – from what I have told you (and I am trying to be painfully honest) that I am defective?-I am rather confused and would appreciate your suggestions.  I have never asked for “public” help before and are normally a very private sort of person.  I also take care of people and have never had issues with making decisions.  I do not really feel submissive in my work or “day” life.  I just do not know.  And if so where does that leave me in my marriage?  I have never thought of cuckolding my husband even though I know he has cheated once or twice on--a while back.  And I am very loyal so I am not sure that his “cheating” makes me justified in seeking another partner.   I am not sure how I feel about trying with someone else anyway as It usually is too much work on my part to just be disappointed again.   
Thank you for listening.  And thank you for reading this long and overly dramatic letter.  I hope that you do not find it too confusing.
Sincerely, Kat.

Answer
Okay sorry for the delay I had to read this and think about it.  I can not tell you if just wanting to have someone take contol makes you a sub.  Maybe yoU need to try it read up more on it and see where it leads you? Some people do only have it in the bedroom, others it is an all time thing.

Try joining www.fetlife.com look at some of the groups and learn more see where it leads you.  I am sorry I can not really tell you more you need to make the choices for yourself.


I wish you well and safe on you choices in lifawhitecloud