Expert: ziggy ziegler - 2/1/2011

Question
Hi Ziggy,

Firstly thankyou for the time you dedicate to this forum and helping people like me!

i am in a relationship with an experienced Dom of many years. This is my first experience with anything outside of the "vanilla" world.  At first our commitment was that of a Dom/sub sexual relationship which fast moved into a loving relationship whilst maintaining our BDSM bent.

We have been together for a little over two years now.  During that time we attempted to move from D/s in the bedroom to more of a 24/7 arrangement which with both failed at miserably - so went back to our original bedroom submission only.

After more time passed, my Master has asked for me to try again on a journey of Master/slave 24/7.

My question is this: I am a very strong willed, dominant, stubborn woman in my every day life.  A single mother who works in finance (yes a mans world) and a real battler. Sexually speaking I am extremely submissive and have no issues with this part of me.  What I am having trouble with is embracing what I see as a fundamental change that is required in me to take on this new life Master has asked for from me.

Do you have any advice for helping with the transition in accepting and thriving in the new world that is before me?  I adore my Master and love to please and serve him - but i find myself finding it really hard to let go of control and to try and not manipulate things to be the way i want them.

I want nothing more than for this to work for us - but feeling a bit like a lost lamb in how to move forward.

Any advice you may have would be greatly appreciated.

Many thanks and best of wishes - Jay x

Answer
Dear Jayx

Thank you for your kind words and your question.

First, allow me to congratulate you on finding someone compatible that you feel a passion to surrender to. Its not always easy.

Rest assure that any change in a relationship can sometimes be a bit challenging. This is never truer in the case of power exchange dynamics.

I often get questions concerning how to transition from either submissive to slave or from vanilla to M/s and where as no two slaves are the same transitioning begins with what you already have which is the desire. The next step is acceptance. This is not the obvious acceptance we often associate with surrender. This acceptance is of self. Please know that being a strong and capable  person is not contraindicated to being a slave. In fact, many slaves I have had the honor of knowing over the years are very strong, they are leaders in and outside the community. Therefore, the acceptance aspect of this process is accepting that you are all the things you are. The challenge comes from being able to manage that personality so that you can experience the surrender that is desirable to both you and your owner.

What compounds this struggle to transition for an egalitarian relationship to a power exchange relationship is the slave who attempts to change the core of who they are because they feel the only way to be a slave is to damper down that portion of who you are.

Having said that, there is transitioning from your professional day to your home life with Master. This is akin to any process of decompressing from your day. Here in my owners home. slaves are permitted 45 mins of alone quiet time… I come home and shed my day cloths, take a shower, make myself presentable and kneel before my owner. This time is very important when I go from a high powered , leadership frame of mind to surrendering, submissive frame of mind. Another thing that is helpful might be before I go to work in the am, I kneel (you don’t have to if you can’t) and say a mantra to my owner “all that I am and all that I do is in service to Mistress.” You can make your own mantra but the idea is acknowledging what you are doing and for whom you are doing it. Daily rituals are extremely important to settle the mind into calm submissive.
Another thing is, begin to look for ways you can serve your Master. Humility is like a lovely house plant it needs tending to. One way to tend to your humility is by looking for ways to think and serve your owner before yourself. It could be as simple as “sir may I get you something to drink” or “Sir may I serve you your meal.” I know you said that you were a single mother and have a lot going on but when there are opportunities that arise…”seize the opportunity to practice humility and surrender in more practical and extended ways helps to cultivate surrender.
I believe that a lot of the transition work comes from within.

Many who come to this lifestyle believe that surrender comes from what the master does to the slave. It has been my experience that the long lasting slaves self actualize their surrender from within. This is not to say that the master shouldn’t participate but it is to say that no matter what the master does or doesn’t do the slave is still cultivating their surrender and slave state of mind. A lot of people don’t have a community around them to help. I also believe that having others to connect with is very helpful. Being a slave in a culture where acceptance of that choice is not openly can be difficult and sometimes a bit isolating. Not to worry, if the desire is there it will. Just please remember to be cautious about changing who you naturally to be a slave… They are attracted to that aspect of us, as well as our desire to surrender.

Jay, you are on the right track and remember surrender comes from within and by cultivating humility/service and the ability to surrender from your heart will get you to where you wish to be on your journey.

Best wishes to you and your owner
Slave ziggy