Expert: ziggy ziegler - 3/20/2011

Question
Hello and thank you for looking at my question.

I bookmarked this site to look at the questions and answers on here to help me with my own understanding of BDSM and my own interests.  With me not quite getting the answer, I now sending you my confusion in a form of a question.

Several Years ago, I was told that I was very passive, and submissive.  Looking back I can 100% say yes I was very passive, and submissive.  I was more than happy to have someone dominate take charge in the bedroom, in vanilla life, and every aspect of my life.

Now being in 2011, I cant identify with it.  Which is very confusing.  

In the vanilla world, I am the kind of person that gets things done, when other dont meet the standard.  I will be happy to get the shopping, I will be happy to do the daily chores, I would be happy to do all the domestic things, washing, cleaning, vacuuming, and so on.  This I dont mind doing as I am a very independent guy, and I guess my independence has also grown a lot over the years.

This make me think that maybe I am a Dominate/Master.  But in the past I was so passive, and submissive.  

So that is where my confusion is.  I dont know what I am in relation to Slave/ Master/Switch.  

My personality is very kind, considerate, selfless.  I very friendly, easy going.  But thinking about it, I would be happy to tell people what to do, in Vanilla Life, in terms of work.  But Im not sure if I could do it in the BDSM life.

I have not participated in the BDSM lifestyle yet.  This is because I want to know more about myself, and my own interests before I do.  But if I was to, I would only do it with a committed partner in the future.  Which would be a nicer place to explore things.  Thats what I think for myself.

So I ask, can you help me find out, what I am?  I understand that BDSM does not have to be all about sex, and at this point in my life, I dont care much about sex.  But I think BDSM can make life fun, in a non-sexual way.  Which is what I like the idea of at the moment.

Im sorry about the length of the content.  Just thought it would help you come up with a conclusion, which would be more precise.

Thank you for your time  ( I have already joined FETlife, and I have not been able to get my answers from it.  But I have got a profile on there, with the State - Unsure )

Answer
Greeting Harjit

WOW thats a great question.....I will offer you some basic perspectives i have with regards to personality and identity and how they don't always fall in line.

Where i cant not tell you who you are i will offer you some ideas based on my experiences.

The job of forming identity can be difficult and most times people choose based on which identity best meets their physical needs. However, i believe its also important to look at the emotional component to choosing a identity with in D/s and M/s relationships.

I will begin by telling you that although i am a slave i am also a former US Marine with the attitude of "Lead follow our get the hell out of my way" I trained recruits and officers.. So i guess one could say that is the ultimate in Dominance. I chuckle because at home that is so not who i am.

This year will mark 10 years with Mistress. Part of my service and surrender to her is taking care of things such as managing her household, her business and her travel plans. That would seem contrary to the idea of submission. My owner on the other hand is rather quiet and is very respectful of others. She would be the first to lend a hand at an event and if there is something i need help with she is more than willing to help me. Some would say that she is not dominant enough. she will tell anyone " Please don't mistake my kind respectful nature with weakness"

Over the years i have realized that although there are certain common traits with in the Master and slave identities, the personalities run the gambit. At the end of the day i have to be able acknowledge that i have a need to serve a worthy and compatible master. That i need to work towards something bigger than myself. I need to offer all that i am to a master i trust and respect. Sure when i am single i am very independent and function well but i discovered i thrive with in the constructs of my owner. I am still a go getter.. love to get things done, and while i have strong leadership qualities what i truly desire is to be under the guiding hand of my owner.

Ok! As for who and what you are?: I so wish i could give you laundry list to check off that would indicate who you really are. I have grown to understand that we evolve and change as we get older and experience things. I believe choosing and identity is an important process as it helps with how others relate to us; especially if we are looking for a partner. But it is a process nonetheless. Few people are the same today as they were 10 years ago..That is ok as well.

I would encourage you to look at the following ideas..

1. Can i lead...? How dose that feel when i lead at work and do i lead only when absolutely necessary? Do i feel a need to have my way with friends when we get together and if i can does that effect how the evening goes. Or does it truly not matter, in fact does other people making decisions for you releases a sort of pressured feeling in your brain.  

2. Are you the planner or the supporter of the plan?

3. Do you have a need to have your partner be the center focus of your life or do you need to be the center focus of your relationships with others. ( partners lovers and or friends)

4. Outside the bedroom are you not interested in the dynamic where someone else is leading the dance. Is what drives you, the happiness of others.

5. Is surrender something you resist at all costs... Do you see surrender as coming from a place of weakness or strength.

Those are just a few questions that may help you trigger some thinking...

I believe the thing to remember about identity is that you can be either... However, at the end of the day and after looking inward who do you feel you are. It is important for me to acknowledge the difference in who i can be and who i desire to be with in the power dynamic. Another words, my leadership abilities and skills can make it possible for me to master someone but at the end of the day who i want to be is that of a slave.

I think you posed a wonderful question and one many folks struggle with. Please know its ok to not know and that as you find your connections with others i believe things will jell more but for now "unsure" is completely OK


I too am on Fetlife as slave_ziggy

I hope that i have given you a little something to consider. I wish i could direct you to that laundry list but i think you already know that discovering yourself often comes slowly and with direct real time  experience.

I wish you the very best of luck in what you seek. Thank you for your time and consideration

warmest regards
slave ziggy