Expert: Robert Rubel - 3/25/2011

Question
I've been in this relationship for 4 months now and she wants me to dominate her and make her my sub/slave. I'm a dom but I've never had a sub before this is my first. I've been waiting for the right one and finally found her. only thing i was kinda stupid in the beginning and because i had tried to break someone from a past relationship who had said she was a sub and turned out she had been exaggerating and almost shot me. so when this special one told me she was a sub i didn't believe her (I know stupid please spare the lecture i know is coming my way i get how stupid i was# so i didn't want to attempt to break her and lose her if she was also just exaggerating, so i waited to make sure she was serious #like i said shes one of the rare ones# only i don't know what happened. i like spaced out in my head lost control of the situation. i got my head back but I'm afraid it might be too late, because i was out for so long she kept trying to tell me what she wanted without flat out telling me what to do and how to break her until last week when she gave up and told all. and she's told me that she wants me to be her dom and take back control because she really doesn't want it and me not having control makes her uncomfortable but she cant take me seriously as her dom because I've been acting almost like the sub afraid of scaring her off too soon and not getting the chance to break her and make her mine at all. she told me yesterday that she's worried i won't be able to break her and get her to take me seriously because she had to tell me how to break her so she knows what to expect and that takes away the fear of whats going to happen. I've been stupid i really love her and there is no other sub i want I'm not that type of dom. shes it so i really need help with advice on ways to break her so she doesn't know whats coming and also take back control. I've never
done this before. please help. the only other experience with a girl that claimed to be a sub i have that may help explain the mental block i was having is my ex-fiance who was really now that i look back on it a dominant masochist who told me what to do to her like cutting her with scalpels when i wasn't actually comfortable doing this basically i allowed her to psychologically manipulate me into becoming her sub only she forced me beyond my limits and claimed sub status. #i know i was stupid there too but I'm tired of being stupid and i want the control back so i can stop upsetting my sub and making her uncomfortable being my sub# please help me ASAP!!! much appreciated...

Vladimir B

P.S. i just thought of something that is probably important for the proper advice to be given... she has never been with another dom before. she has less experience then i do so i don't want to do something she can't handle. but she has a super high pain tolerance for a beginner #abusive parents#, and she doesn't know everything she can handle. She has always had a bondage and masochistic fetishes since childhood just never met anyone she trusted to share that with #she comes from one of those rich stuck up families who disowned her for the last four years and is just now some of them starting to talk to her again because she had wanted to meet her biological sister when she was 19, and the kind of family who would look down on her as basically a freak if they ever knew so ya# I'm actually the only person she has ever really trusted enough to even share this part of her with #she likes to say she is still in the closet and you don't just have to be gay to be in the closet (its kinda cute actually#. shes curious about alot of things that could be considered extreme but never had any one to experiment with and I'm bad at figuring out limits how do i know when its too much for her and what do i look for when looking for her boundaries??? she is very fragile and i love her spirit so i really don't want to push it too far and break it please help me I'm in crisis

we are not currently in an m/s relationship but she wants to be once she feels she can fully trust me #non-leather) involved in scene for 5-6 years myself as i stated above shes been in the closet since she was a young kid like she can remember as far back as having kidnap or loss of control dreams as 6 years old

Answer
Hi, Vladimir --

You have one of my more favorite names.  First heard it in the song "Darcy Farrow".  I named my daughter Darcy from that song.  I the song, Vladimir was Darcy Farrow's lover.  I've been told that it's a true story that took place in the high Sierra's near Lake Tahoe, but I have no way of knowing whether that's true.

On to your letter.

I don't scold, I only build on wherever the writer finds him/herself.

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I wonder what you're thinking about "breaking" her.  What does that mean to you and why are you interested in doing it? "Breaking" a prisoner of war means to leave them so without hope that they'll do anything that they're told to do.  Are you sure that you want this lady to be without spirit?  In the Master/slave structure, you, as Master, are responsible for doing ONLY those things that support her wellbeing.  That includes anything psychological.  So you'd have to know that she believes that "breaking her" is in her best interest.

If you're considering M/s, I urge you to buy the first book of my 4-book Master/slave Relations set.  The first book is called: Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice.  You can pick it up on Amazon.

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On reclaiming your Dominance.  I'm not a Dom (I'm a Guide) so I'm not the right person to ask.  If you want me to put you in touch with someone who can speak to that, please write to me at PowerExchangeEditor@yahoo.com   Please include a copy of this letter so I can send it to him.  He's an ex-Special Forces Major that I know very well and he'd be a good person to counsel you on this.

If it were I, I'd probably structure a set of experiences designed to demonstrate your overall competence and responsibility -- key components of dominance.  One purpose would be to show that she is completely under your control and can feel safe there.

You might consider looking at movies such as The Secretary to get some ideas.  If you're not a member of www.Fetlife.com, I'd urge you to join -- it's free.  If you do that, I'm Dr_Bob -- you're welcome to send me a "friends" request.  However, there are a number of groups on Fetlife where you'll get LOTS of useful responses to your basic question, which is -- "How do I reclaim a position of dominance after losing it by being to accommodating to a new partner before I realized that she sought a D/s and possibly M/s structure?"

BTW: with her high pain tolerance, you/she may be interested in face slapping and body punching.  You'll need training in "rough body play" -- unless you already have had such training.   

May I presume that you're already a member of one or more of your local groups?  Do you go to any of the large weekend kink conferences?

You're welcome to write back with follow-on questions.  

Bob