Expert: Robert Rubel - 4/18/2011

Question
QUESTION: Sorry to bother you again this will be the last I feel as I'm nearly there. Thank you for your response and for sharing so much personally it gave me much to think about and I read Wikepedia to gain more knowledge there are some similarities you are right but I'm just not sure, let me outline the last few days if you could  advise. Following your email we have had a turbulent few days largely caused by my own fault I did not ask for permission to discuss matters but instead hit a brickwall and showed petulant behaviour for which I have been severely punished rightly so. However in discussion my Master questioned my commitment and as to whether this was what I really wanted. I revealed my feelings and while my Master made it 100% clear that he will decide if and when we meet he has outlined to me a scenario where he will visit me and I will greet him and fall to my knees we will have a protocol ceremony which he described and then I will kneel on the floor as he sits and we will discuss all about eachother and our hopes aspirations etc. The way he describes it as a beautiful natural meeting and he has said this is what we are working towards. he also made it clear that the lack of communication during my training has been deliberate on his part as he didn't want anything diluting what he described as personal and intense. He made it clear that it is not my place to question my training. He also allowed me to ask him a list of questions about himself and asked the same of me, he answered them very openly. So to my questions, my gut instinct is that he is telling the truth; he can be, all be it briefly, incredibly loving and tender. Am I kidding myself or have we made progress?
How on earth do I tackle the fact that he has started talking about coming to visit me in my home without meeting outside first as advised everywhere, for I know it will upset his vision. I know he will agree but be annoyed and I will pay the price. I now have an earlier bed time but have to send him an email at exactly the moment or I'm punished. To get the progress we have made this week I have been ignored for days, undergone numerous humiliations and punishing tasks although don't get me wrong no-one else has ever had me submitting in such a way and I have the upmost respect for his dominance. I need your help please I don't want to spoil finally getting to meet face to face but how do I approach the matter? The scenario he describes is in perfect keeping with training so far and I would also like it but don't want to compromise safety.

Thank you

Sher

ANSWER: Hi, Sher...

This isn't the way that I train so I'm not sure I'm the guy to ask.  I train by assuming that the other person is doing their best to do as I ask. I do NOT punish, but I may express my surprise that the task didn't get done a certain way and then explore what happened that I didn't get the response I had expected.  Also, we work from a written guide (Protocol Manual) so "the way I want it done" doesn't change (move around).  This way, we are not building up resentments over punishments for things like misunderstandings or normal forgetfulness.  

I don't like his use of "withdrawal of time" (ignoring you) to "punish" you for such trivial issues.  

Master/slave is usually a structure used after years of relationship experiences, usually a marriage or two.  It's pretty sophisticated.

I can't tell whether you're making progress.  You'll feel progress within yourself, not from outside validation.

Re: him visiting.  If he's paying for a flight, he's probably not a serial killer.  Any chance of getting references from within one of his local clubs?  Is he on Fetlife?  If not, WHY??  If yes, how long has he been a member and how many friends does he have?

You might have him sign up for XMatch.com  It's a sex matchup site, but they put you through an abbreviated Myers-Briggs test.  You do it to.  Then compare scores (I'm an INTJ which is typical of Aspies) and the do an Internet search to check compatibilities.  The book that gives you real details about yourself and how it would be to match to someone else's score is: "Please Understand Me"  (http://www.amazon.com/Please-Understand-Temperament-Character-Intelligence/dp/18)

Feel free to write to me.  Not a problem.  If you join Fetlife, I'm Dr_Bob.  You're welcome to send a friend request.

I'm leaving at noon for Houston. Back at the desk on Monday morning.

Best wishes,

Bob






---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your reply as always it gave me food for thought. I just thought I'd clarify a couple of points and ask your advice on what I have I have been thinking may be a solution.
First of all I should say in all fairness that the withdrawal of time came when I was hit a brick wall and instead of discussing it I said that I may not be the right person for him and that it was al going too far for me. my Master then didn't speak to me for a couple of days I think he was teaching me a lesson about saying things without really thinking I think he was right, I didn't really want to end it I was just being a drama queen. The punishment for being late was to write an essay and it was after I had to submit ideas as to how I  could be punished so it was my own suggestion. I thought it was only fair to clarify matters.
After we discussed what happened and I demonstrated my commitment my Master agreed to continue, we seem to have reached a more peaceful and harmonious  place. I confessed my concerns with regards to my health and my Master showed great compassion and love in his response, he has made it clear that this is a joint issue to deal with and he must know anything which could cause me a problem. He went to great lengths and obviously had put much thought into his reply, it seemed very genuine and I can't imagine him going to such lengths if he is not planning for us to meet in real life. My condition will impact on a lot and would he really be bothered even on line having to incorporate this if he didn't have to. As a result my trust has increased and also the extent of my submission, things are a lot better and we have discussed our first meeting in detail. I know this could all still be a waste of time but my instinct is that it is real, who knows. I have thought that I will keep going for 1 more month and if in that time we are no further forward I will end it.
With regards to our fist meeting he lives in the same city but I think he has been testing me to see whether I am playing him, I hope we have now overcome this. I will do some basic checks on him and I will set up some safe calls with someone who lives very near me. I know it is still risky but it is about trust and we may never get that far. I don't think he is a criminal his compassion and the things he has said recently have seemed genuine. The communication in his emails while still very much focussed on my training lead me to believe he will communicate well in real life but again it remains to be seen.

So can I ask your thoughts on my solution? Do you think I am to gullible and if you have anything else to add based on everything we have discussed. Thank you

Sher

Answer
Sher,

If he lives in your city, can't you check him out through mutual friends?  Is he not in the public scene?  If not, why not?

As far as I can tell, you've don an A+ job all the way around and you have done everything you can to verify that he's real.

Please keep in mind that Master and slave are simply roles; it remains a mutually-supportive structure.  To the extent that he meets your needs and dreams, you serve, yet he serves you through fulfilling your wants/needs/dreams.  Think "servant-master".

You might test him indirectly by asking him to provide a reading list for you of books about Master/slave relations and about slavery in particular.  The titles of the books he knows may help you understand his depth of knowledge.

Here's a link to the top 15 M/s books -- collected by a Brit, by the way.

http://www.slaveregister.com/settings/sign-in/listings/books  (Click: "Continue as a Guest" and you're in.)

Let me know how this turns out,

Bob