Expert: awhitecloud - 4/3/2011

Question
I'm very new to the lifestyle. For 6 months I had an online master in a virtual world, it was my first exploration of my submissive side and he was aware of this. Things were great for 4 months then stated to get strained unexplainably. I began to have intense emotions and real feelings for him, it was overwhelming in a good way. I expressed them to my Master at his urging although I was afraid to. If I said I longed for him, sometimes I found he would respond negatively. Most of the time he liked it, but other times he felt I wanted more in RL and was unable to give it to me. This would cause him to get angry and say that what we had was only online, could not be more, that I was aware of it and was putting pressure on him. I was always dumbfounded as I was just expressing my feelings for him without holding back. It made me scared to tell him how I really felt, and I found myself then trying to hold back the things I would say for fear of an argument. I found myself unclear on what he wanted at times, or one of us misunderstanding the other over tiny things. He would often become angry, and when I would try to explain my intent of a comment or action, it seemed to make things worse. His temper scared me, and at those times I would not listen well because I was upset. This made things even worse. Recently he took another submissive without me knowing he intended to, and I became very jealous and insecure. When I asked him for reassurance he became angry and said he would not coddle me. It hurt me deeply. This caused more of a rift and he said that if I trusted him, this wouldn't have been a problem. The other submissive informed me that he intended to release me. When we discussed it, he admitted that was his intent. I was crushed and ended the conversation very abruptly, removing my collar and left. Later, he said that I left and he had changed his mind about releasing me, but I had not given him the chance to explain it, but what was done was done. He said he would not be online but rarely anymore and wished me well. I spent a week emailing him and chatting w/him over instant messenger trying to fix things. It seemed that we were communicating well again, that we would remain friends, and maybe/someday he might consider taking me back. One night, while in a very dark place and feeling that I was holding on to false hope, I removed him permanently from my 'virtual collar'. I explained that I was trying to accept what had happened, that my feelings had not changed and that I wanted desperately to fix things between us. He was short with me but said he was not upset. Now today, a week later, he and I were chatting and he expressed that he thought I did it only to get a rise out of him and that he was in fact furious I had done it. That I was the one who walked away and dissolved the relationship, that I had made the decision for us both. I explained my intent again and reiterated that I wanted to fix things, that I was at a low place and that I missed him so much it was painful, that since he stated he was not coming back online I felt it to be hopeless. He said I was playing games with him and that he had never said he wasn't coming back, and that my act was a slap in the face. He then said that being on instant messenger wasn't good for me and that he wasn't the right one for me. I explained that I didn't have much fight left in me if he wanted me to give up, but that I again wanted him in my life and wanted to fix things. He said goodbye, that I would be in his thoughts, logged off and that was that. The end. I have felt sick all day, unable to eat, as if I have been abandoned and a part of me is missing, it's an emptiness that is hard to put into words. I can't think and keep crying. I don't know what to do. Reach out to him again or let go? I'm sure there are a million things I've left out of this post but I'm a bit of a mess. I know I made mistakes, but I want to correct them. I just don't know how.

Answer
hello,

Sometimes you make mistakes that you can not go back and correct.  that is what makes them the steps to learning.We all have this problem from time to time, and it does not make the hurt any-less nor real that you feel...maybe you should try writing him a letter and just thanking him for all he has been to you so far in your life.

Then I would suggest that you go out in your local area and find some munches or gatherings of like minded people in which you can talk with and learn more about the lifestyle with.  Grow and learn from this experience and let it lead you to other things.

Do not try to get him back if it happens it does, if not then it is time to just move on, allow yourself to heal and well then just look for a different Master to lead and direct you...maybe in time you can even become friends once again with your old Master.

I know I can say nothing to you to take the hurt and pain away time will do that.  You just need to say it is okay and that yes it is there, and look to what is in front of you on your path.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey.

awhitecloud