Expert: Robert Rubel - 5/26/2011

Question
I have been in a long-distance Master Slave relationship or over a year now, I met my master through a friend and everything sparked from there. We both love to role play (rp) and our relationship got stronger through it. When we started the relationship, he had a girl friend but would some times tell me because of my actions that he wanted me, both sexually and physically. After a few times of him telling me of how he felt I asked him if we would ever be anything more than friends, his reply was for me to become his slave since he had a girlfriend. He explained what it is to be a slave and what it is to be a master, I was already falling for him at this point so I agreed.  He explained that me being his slave would bring me closer and I would have a relationship like the one he has given to his lover/girlfriend, I believed that was true and it has proven to be so. He is a very strong individual, has lots of experience, patience and skills as a master but I think he truly loves me beyond the Master/Slave relationship sort of love. I have had abusive masters in the past since age 12, he is the only one that has shown me compassion and who has taught me to be all that I can be and that I have self worth and potential. My concern really is that he meant every word of him wanting me with all his being, after a time he broke up with his gf and I thought after a few weeks to a month I would be his lover. I then found out he did not want to do long distance lover relationship so I stayed his slave. Recently I have not been a good slave, well it has been months that I have done wrong with him and I have been spiraling down to the point where I might lose him as my master. I am proud to be his slave but I do not think he is proud to have me as his slave. I have lied to him many times, I have admitted my lying but he has been much harder on me because he is upset but I also think his love for me in the beginning blinded him in a way. He is asking things of me that he has not before and because I have angered him, I think he realized he was too lenient with me from the start and now wants to change, which is difficult since I do not know what he truly wishes of me. I have lied to him many times and the greatest gift a Slave has from their Master is trust, I have all but lost all of it due to my fear of losing him. I believe my fear is driving him away and blocking me from being a better Slave and serving my Master so he may be pleased with me again. He has given me orders and told me what to do to gain his trust but he is also punishing me for past lies. My Master has given me many chances but it seems only lately I have been losing them quickly. Our bond grew very strong but has recently weakened quite a bit.I wish to know: How I can I not fear losing him, How I can bring up how he has changed in my eyes, How he really feels about me, How can we strengthen our bond again and How can I be better for my Master who I love with all my being and more. I have tried to be better but maybe I have been trying too hard. My master can be stubborn and quite frank but is very caring, understanding, and experienced, I'm just not sure how to get feed back from my Master. Help?

Answer
I apologize for the delayed reply -- I've been on a business trip and am just back.

All relationships are hard, Master/slave relationships are among the most challenging to maintain over time.  I understand about "trying too hard" -- I was involved with a slave who did this and I found it annoying.  IMHO, the trick to getting M/s to work is that it flows naturally from who each of you are.  His desire to guide and master someone meshes with that person's desire to serve and to obey.

Now, your lying presents a problem.  In the world of M/s relations, lying would be a "character flaw" to many Masters and grounds for immediate release.  You seem to have started down that path as a reaction to not getting the kind of love and support that you needed from him.

It's very hard to do LDRs.  I guess that you have a few choices...

End the LDR and participate with your local kink communities in search of a Master who can work with you and offer you the kind of support that you need.

Keep your LDR and try to figure out how to approach him to make amends.  "Making amends" is serious business, so you should probably do some research about what that means.  You might also do some research about using "talking sticks" as a method of communicating with him over such serious topics.

Hope this helps.  Feel free to write back.

In Leather Heart and Soul,

Bob