Expert: awhitecloud - 5/21/2011

Question
So me and my husband for 5 years have gotten into bdsm. And it was going great for about two years. As a slave to him, it made me feel complete. Both of us rookies on the subject. Well about a year ago, things went a bit sour cause he lost control and really hurt me. We have gotten past the  apologies and I'm ready to get back int o it. I just feel incomplete without him being in control, and actually, he has become more submissive now than ever before I've tried talking to him about this. And he says he Wont go back into the lifestyle because he is afraid to lose control. I'm not one to be dominate. But as well we have 2 kids together and I don't want to leave him, but I feel as though I'm completely empty and don't know what to do with myself with my mindset as a sub. And I constantly try  to be at his whim, but he pushes me away and won't be dominate. Thank you for your patience!                                                                                                                    - lost soul

Answer
I can understand both your sides in this.  maybe you need to join fetlife.com if you are not there already and find some people in your area where he can get a Mentor or maybe even if he is open to it a Dom to help and lead you and allow him to learn other ways to deal with things so he does not lose control in that manner again.

There are also a lot of good groups there that you can join ask questions and learn from and through.  And make sure you keep talking about were you both are.  The number one rule in the lifestyle for a Dom is to not hurt your pet or toy, and he is crushed that he has done so.  It does not matter how you feel it is him that need to over come the fear and to allow himself to be okay with what happen and to move forward.  Sad to say some Dom's never are able to.

I would say to talk with others and find local people that you can become friends with and to move slowly, I know this does not help much for the needs inside of you and the longing that your feeling.  Nothing can help that until he is able to move past or her is willing to allow you to have another Dom inside of your mirage that can mean it does not been to be sexual at all.  But one that is able to lead and direct you.

i hope in some way this has helped you, I feel your pain as well I understand the heart ache and I can relate to it.  I can understand the fears your hubby is experiencing as well.  I have worked with a lot of people and well things happen that you do not intent to have happen but you most be brave and move past them not just pack it up and not try to learn and grow.  If you are on or join fetlife please look me up and send me a message I have the same name there as here.

Thank you and please excuse my lateness in getting to this questions, as I needed to think it over and well allow it to fester some in my soul.

awhitecloud