Expert: Robert Rubel - 6/12/2011

Question
Hello,

Nearly a year ago, I approached my husband about developing our relationship into that of a Dom/sub relationship. About one month into it, I realized that I needed more. I crave for my Master to have control over every aspect of my life. From the very basics such as when I eat or kneel at his feet to the more complex such as how I conduct myself in and out of his presence.

We are currently in a M/s relationship and have been in one for the past six months, although we do not particularly identify as Leather. We have four boys that know about our lifestyle (At least out of the bedroom) and have had no issues as far as they are concerned.

What truly worries me is that my Master seems to be loosing his confidence, and consequentially, his assertion of control over me. I think this is because he's afraid of overstepping the boundaries we've set together and driving me away. At the same time, without his control, I'm lost and feel like I'm topping from the bottom when I repeatedly ask for what I need.

We've agreed to get personal training and further education as a slave and Master. Since that may be awhile yet, though, my question is: Is there anything he or I can do in the mean time to increase his comfort and willingness to dominate me completely?

Answer
A "Master" takes a while to develop.  In the "Leather" world, it can easily take ten years.  In my opinion (I'm 66) you can't just declare your husband to be your Master and expect him to act very differently.  You guys would benefit from attending weekend Master/slave conferences.

If you'll write to me at PowerExchangeEditor@yahoo.com I'll send you a resource list (put that in the subject line) that lists the upcoming M/s conferences.  I'll be at the next two -- Indianapolis in August, D.C. over Labor Day.

The resource list also has readings for you.

Books: you might start with my four-book set on Master/slave relations.  They're on the list.  They would cover: how to set up the M/s structure, protocols, communication, and problem solving.

List will include places to go for training.

Each of you: write down your needs and wants.  Be careful; not all wants are needs.  Often, not all needs can be met by your partner.

Join Fetlife -- it's free.  I'm Dr_Bob.  Link to me through the "friends" system -- upper right of your home page.  LOTS of VERY good groups on there.  It's our "Facebook" and it's a very active site.

Find some local mentors -- in Fetlife, do a search for your city and cruise through the profiles.

Your hearts are in this together.  That's 99% of the battle.  M/s is a very different world from marriage.  It takes years to figure out what this really is.  If you take the Leather path, you can use M/s for spiritual purposes.  It's not that you can't do that as not-Leather, just that you'll find it nearly impossible to find anything written about spirituality from a BDSM/M-s perspective.

If some of this sounds like Greek, write back to me.

Bob