Expert: Robert Rubel - 6/8/2011

Question
QUESTION: Thank you for your time,

I'm a newbie sub, only in the lifestyle for 3 months. I met a wonderful fellow on-line and we played together a few times before he decided to make me his sub. I'm new to all of this, but I wonder if my expectations are realistic: While i really enjoy our time together, my Dom hardly ever calls me or returns texts or emails. I also notice that while he says that I can call him anytime, he rarely answers my calls, or takes a few days to return them. I think that while he does like me, he may be stringing me along, just as in the vanilla world. I may be just a play thing. He told me that he has obligations to work and to friends, but I though that as my Dom he would be more interested in training me and would try to spend at least one day per week with me. Is this unrealistic? Is it too much to ask in a Dom to spend more time and to be there for me as I transition from the world of Vanilla to BDSM? I hate to appear clingy.

ANSWER: Hi, Mika --

As in "played" through the Internet or in real life?

Over and over one hears about Internet relations that don't work.  Conventional wisdom says that this happens  because the people using the Internet this way don't have real-life experience in Dominance and submission and Master/slave structures.  Also, while someone can say that they are experienced, there is no way of really knowing that unless they can point to a Fetlife profile with lots of friends and some kind of history.

In my own opinion, it's unrealistic for you to think you can get any kind of training from someone over the Internet who is not an established mentor.  You may be able to find someone on Fetlife (I'm Dr_Bob, so if you join -- it's free -- you're welcome to join my "friends' list.)

Now, if you mean that you expected your Dom to be with you physically one day a week and he's not doing that, then here are some questions for you...

1) What is his prior experience that you think he is capable of training you?
2) What do you want to be trained to do and is he aware of your wishes?
3) What readings have you and he gone through?  (If you want a reading list, please write to me at PowerExchangeEditor@yahoo.com and in the heading put "resource list".)
4) The idea that one goes from a few meetings -- particularly over the Internet -- to then making you his sub -- is awfully fast and not something that an experienced Dom is likely to do.  People get to know one another before getting engaged; formalizing your structure is something like getting engaged in our world.

My strongest recommendation to you is to join a local club in your city.  Go on to Fetlife and type in the name of your city.  You'll find other kinksters there who will be able to tell you about local clubs.

Bear in mind, too, that there is no excuse for rude/inappropriate behavior -- such as not returning your calls or emails.  That, in itself, represents what we call a "character flaw" that by itself is grounds for not having anything to do with him.  Find someone with honor and integrity that you can trust.  Trust is earned, though, so don't just assume that you can trust a new guy because he has kink experience.  You'll find that by joining a local group and going to someone with stature, you can request to be put under their protection to help guide you to find a partner.  This is not at all unusual.  This Senior may well suggest putting a "collar of protection" on you to keep predatory Doms from approaching you until you're ready.

Write back with other questions.

Best of good luck with your Quest, and welcome to our world -- it's a little different.  It's a rather complete subculture with its own rules and customs.

Bob










---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dearest Bob,

Thank you for your prompt reply: it is much appreciated!!!! To clarify we met online, but played in person ( we live in the same city) for about a month before he made me his sub. I will take you advice about attending community events and would love to find a Senior who would protect me and offer guidance. Is there a way that I should go about finding such a person? Thank you again, the life of a newbie sub is exciting but turning out to be very stressful!!!

Answer
I'm a national presenter for things kinky -- mostly Master/slave relationships.  I know people/presenters all over the US.  If you're willing to give me the city you live in, I'll see whom I can find that I'd trust.  I just did this for a friend moving up to Boston.  I live in Austin, TX.  

Please send the city to my email, don't put it on here -- this message is public, so others will read it.

Thank you for approaching this safely.  There are some serious nut cases out there.  That's why you need to affiliate with a local group -- in most clubs, they'll warn you.

If you've met in person to play and he's treating you like that, I'd drop him like a rock.  You're dealing with issues of personal integrity and a D/s relationship has to be ethically solid in order that you will give trust to your Dom.

Oh, and just to put a context to my replies to you, I'm 66.