Expert: Robert Rubel - 8/3/2011

Question
QUESTION: Hello Dr. Bob,

I have been in a D/s relationship (non-leather) with my Dominant since mid-December. We were the best of friends, lovers and especially Dom/sub. However, come to find out he is an alcoholic. I thought I could deal with it, handle it, et cetera, until three weeks ago when he drank a 5th of whiskey and tried to choke me, hit my head and threw me around. I called the police and they took him away.

He has no memory of what happened and is sorrowed by what he did. He is now attending AA and I am contemplating Al-Anon. In light of this, I find myself wanting to abstain from any more play with him... and possibly anyone else in the future. I feel the trust was completely severed and there is no way I could let him bind me, flog me, et cetera. It is heartbreaking, because I really did have that deep trust at one time. I am not sure if it will ever come back, or if I would want to continue anything more than a light friendship with him after what happened. It hurts my heart very much.

Can trust be rebuilt in the lifestyle after such an experience? I imagine it is up to the individual. Submission is part of who I am, but right now it's a part I cannot embrace.

Thank you for your insight. I always appreciate your help.

- T

ANSWER: Please pardon the delay in replying.  I'm on vacation and missed the notice that I had a question in All Experts.

+++

My second wife was am alcoholic.  I get it.  She's done AA for years and I did AlAnon for about two years.  Bottom line: it's a disease, it's insidious, the success rate for breaking the cycle is very small and requires brutal honesty and a steel spine.

I'd certainly disconnect drugs/alcohol with playing. I'd certainly decline to permit him to bind you, too.  You may be able to find other play styles, though.  I've been in the BDSM lifestyle for ten years and only with my current partner of six months do I play sm.  Before that, the Master/slave relationship WAS my kink.  

At a really, really basic level, you're not faced with a BDSM issue, you're faced with a core-value issue and whether the breach of trust combined with physical hitting will trigger divorce.  In Western culture, most of that decision is financial and it tied to your own earning potential.

Hope this helps.  Feel free to write back.

Bob








---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much, Bob -

You know first-hand. I cannot help but feel it in my gut that a totally sober recovery is not forever for this gentleman. I understand it happens more often than not. But as they say, one day at a time, and I will take that day as it presents itself.

We never played while drinking, but as his drinking reared its ugly head, his sense of safety and sanity went out the window and he would slip things in that were usually reserved for play (i.e., biting, slapping, spanking, etc.). I endured some things in the hopes that there would eventually be peace. Instead, I'd spend the following day in pain from deep bruises that were not born of D/s, but drunken madness.

I have no desire to be bound by him when sober. I am having a hard enough time having my hair pulled just a little, and if I ever have enough trust again with him it's going to take quite a bit of time. Of course, if booze shows itself again anytime soon (or later) all bets are off.

Thank you so much! I hope your vacation went well! :-)

-T

Answer
You're very welcome.

My second wife declined to stop drinking and was never able to do the fourth step in AA -- naming those you hurt and making amends.

But we remain close friends.

I'm having lunch with her today.

Lovely woman, just killing herself.

The best "fit" I ever found in a woman, actually.

My heart is with you.