Expert: Robert Rubel - 8/20/2011

Question
I've been with my dom for 7 months. I have quite a few issues with jealousy and trust. Before I even got involved with him, I let him know I wasn't ever going to be interested in a poly relationship and that I was indeed a jealous person. In response he said he wasn't interested in anyone else, just me.

 Anyway, I'm bisexual and he was aware of this from the start as well. He had hinted at having a three way and I told him I was absolutely not comfortable with it right now. Months have gone by, and he is pushing very hard to get me to do this. He's even contacting other women about having a three way with us despite me breaking out in panic just from the mention of it. I'm just not ready for this at all and I know i'd ruin the whole experience if I had a panic attack during all of it. He comforts me and reassures me when I get anxious about it, but that's short-term. I also don't want to look like an idiot in front of another girl. She wouldn't know anything about me and I think he would end up having to attend to me for most of the night, leaving her confused and annoyed.

I feel like I'm going against my submissive nature by rejecting this idea. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I think an experience like this when I'm not ready would be disastrous and traumatizing. Is it considered his right as a dom to do something that causes anxious triggers and could potentially scar  me if it's for my best interest? I don't see how this can benefit our relationship or me. It seems so unnatural to question him on this but I have several times and I get very subtle answers. I'm not sure if I should go on with it and assume whatever happens happens or hold on to my values. Is what he's doing, in your opinion, disrespectful of me?

Answer
Hi, Lila --

My reply depends upon whether you're in a Dom/sub or a Master/slave relationship.  As you didn't mention M/s, I'll default to D/s.  In a D/s relationship it's up to you to say yes or no.  He can't require you to do anything.  

It is both unethical and immoral for a Dom or Master to do something to a submissive/slave that could scar him/her emotionally.  A Master is responsible for your metal wellbeing.  Doms don't have that explicit responsibility, but common sense says that if your partner is forcing you past a hard limit it's time to find a different partner.  

You are the sum of your values.  If he forces you to do something that you consider will force you to compromise one or more of your values, he's not a suitable life-partner.

Some people are monogamous, some are poly.  I happen to be poly and would require that of any partner, but I'm saying that only to let you know that I support and honor your monogamy.

Hate to be so blunt.  I'm 66, by the way.  First marriage = 17 yrs.  Second marriage = 14 yrs.  Master/slave relationship = 10 years.

Bob