Expert: Robert Rubel - 8/27/2011

Question
My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost a year and we've been dabbling in the bdsm world for nearly as long. I don't think we count as a complete D/s couple, but here goes my question. I enjoy being submissive and he enjoys being dominant. The problem I keep running into is not knowing how to feel comfortable with it. In the moment, I'm fine. But I occasionally find myself feeling like I'm a pervert or messed up. How can I deal with that problem? Because it doesn't seem to be going away and I don't intend on stopping.

Thanks

Answer
Hi, Jess...

Here is the reading list that I recommend...

Books if You’re Just Starting Out in BDSM
•   Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Philip Miller
•   Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame
•   When Someone You Love is Kinky by Dossie Easton
•   The Loving Dominant by John Warren
•   Sensuous Magic 2 Ed: A Guide to S/M for Adventurous Couples by Patrick Califia
•   SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman (a bit academic, but discusses safety issues for most sm activities you’ll experience)


Best wishes,

Bob

+++

Hi again...

I can add a bit.  I'm packing for a trip and didn't give you as much as I should have.  I apologize.

What is "kinky" to one person is boring ho-hum to another.  In a general sense, your "kink" is what turns you on when masturbating.  Dominance and submission are completely subjective.  The most macho "Dom" you can possibly thing of (Arnold Schwarzenegger for example) is going to be fully submissive to a Congressional investigatory panel or an FBI investigation panel.  Thus, dominance and submission are relative and situational.  If you sometimes feel submissive and sometimes feel dominant to the same person, then you're what is called a "switch".  I am a switch.

If you would like to do some reading about D/s and M/s (Master/slave) you might consider "The Marketplace" series by Laura Antoniou.  If you want to read factual material about the Master/slave world, try my book, Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice.

Bob