Expert: Robert Rubel - 8/22/2011

Question
I have been married to my husband for 6 years, in the beginning of our courtship and marriage it was established that we were living as a D/s couple. I met him through a D/s site and our relationship had always been D/s. Around year two he backed off, stopped all D/s activity and said that he was didn't feel like he should degrade me. We have since lived a very vanilla lifestyle. I feel like I'm wilting, my health has declined, I am not happy in this type of relationship. I feel like he knew who I was when we entered our relationship and while I absolutely love him, I need more. I don't know if we should start counseling as how would we go about finding a counselor who wont be biased? Is there a register for D/s friendly counselors? I have tired submitting to him in any way I can,even though he doesn't ask, but it seems that he has lost that spark that made him dominant in the first place. The decisiveness is gone, I don't know how to help him bring it back.

Answer
Sarah --

Very sorry to hear of this.  The fact that he equates D/s with degrading you is horrifying.  Was your relationship based on humiliation play?  

Has he read any books on kink relationships?  "When someone you love is kinky" or "The loving dominant" etc?  

Go to the website of the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF).  They maintain a "kink-friendly" list of professionals.  Doctors and counselors.  

You might also want to read -- or have him read -- two of my books.  The first is Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice.  The other is Master/slave Relations: Solutions 402 -- living in harmony.  The first book explains how to set up a structured relationship, the second is for people who are having really serious relationship issues to deconstruct and then piece back together a damaged relationship.  Oh-- and the third book in the 4-book series would also help:  Master/slave Relations: Communiciations 401 -- Living in Harmony.  That's and out-of-the-box communications book.  All on Amazon.

Another really complex issue concerns archetypes.  The "husband/wife" archetype is so strong that it constantly tries to overwhelm the D/s or M/s structures pulling people back into Vanilladom.  

Write back if you have other questions.

You're in a tough spot.

I presume that you've considered divorce.

Bob