Expert: Robert Rubel - 8/6/2011

Question
QUESTION: I am a new submissive.  I had a Dom for about a year.  I now have a Master for over a year now.  Because I am new he has gone slowly with me, establishing trust.  He has only pushed me in small manageable ways until recently.  Now, I question whether I am truly submissive or not.  We are very compatible, have a nice natural flow about us and undeniable chemistry, vanilla as well.  It was instant connection on first meeting, been that way since.  We both love each other and are best friends. We have been discussing other subs playing with us for a while now, he thought I was ready (as did I) and when he told tonight was the night, I had a melt down. After which, I did what he asked.  I question whether I am truly able to submit fully unconditionally since I was possessive and jealous and had a hard time. I also have a hard time accepting being a slut for anyone but him even at his request (not that it has happened yet).  I am not sure I accept or like the slut I am becoming for him.  Maybe I am not submissive at all?  I thought I was a slave, but there are things I am having trouble doing, even though I know it pleases him and he requests it.  What do I do?  How do I make peace and accept who I say I am or want to be?

ANSWER: Relationships are really hard to understand from the outside.

My initial reaction is to ask whether he is changing you in ways that conflict with your own moral values.  Remember -- he is responsible for your emotional and psychological wellbeing as much as for your physical wellbeing.  What you describe may not be submission as much as it is that he's hitting moral/ethical hard limits.  If he is, he may be the wrong Master for you.

Let me make a wild guess...  He's poly and you're not -- really.  He loves you passionately and loves your sexual side.  He wants to share you because you're really good, sexually, and because you go home with him, his feeling is that the other guys get to "eat their hearts out" with envy about the hot partner HE has (you) that they would so love to have.  In addition, he wants either a threesome or couples to play with the two of you and you have no "swinging" background.  

Now -- that's just reading between the lines, but it's also the reason I like my submissive to dress up and why I like to watch her with other men.

The little hickup that my partner and I run into is that she is afraid that in our playing around, I'll find "the perfect girl" and leave her.  Why would she fear that?  Because that's exactly what happened that ended up that she and I are together.  We both had other partners -- she is married.  So her fear and your fear are not unfounded.  You risk losing your partner.

But life is about change, risk, and experiences.  Even if the very worst happens and it breaks up your relationship, it will be because you found an even-more-interesting relationship with someone else.

You're wondering why I would reply this way.  The reason is "you get what you resist".  You get whatever you focus your attention upon, either good or bad.  If you focus on the negative rather than the positive aspects of playing with others, you'll tend to draw that conclusion to yourself.

To avoid this path, you really have to be clear with him that "slut" is not an option for you.  It's not a role that is consistent with your moral/ethical values.  Unless it is.

May I suggest that you pick up a copy of Dossie Easton's book, "The Ethical Slut"?

And it may help you to understand my point of view to mention that I'm 66 and my partner is 47.

We've been around and we're active swingers and BDSM players.

Feel free to write back with follow-on questions.

Bob








---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: That is the question, I do not know whether these changes bother me because they go against MY moral/ethical values, or if it is just hard to shake a prudish upbringing, and societal opinions (what people would think).  He suspects it is not my morals and ethics, but the opinions and morals/ethics of others, this is why he pushes to change me to experience and enjoy all life has to offer.  

My mother raised us to believe women didn't enjoy sex, it was just a duty of marriage.  I guess that is why I didn't have an orgasm until I was 48 with my first Dom and couldn't orgasm alone until I met my Master.  The little voices of the past have serious issues with sleeping with more than one man or woman.  

That brings me to another issue.  I don't particularly get along with women socially, have more male friends than female.  Not attracted to women in any way.  I have no real issue with sexual interactions with women, sex is just sex.  It's not a turn on, I do it for him, but does than make me bi-sexual?

He is poly and was upfront about that (as well as his intimacy free marriage). I have an issue with that word. Polyamorous means many loves.  That means to me more like polygamy.  He wants to have sexual experiences with many, but doesn't love them or even want to.  I said upfront it was a hard limit.  I do not share well.  I am possessive and competitive.  I am very dominant with women.  He thinks it will bring us closer and it has I guess, because he knows what a big deal that is for me.  I am not concerned about losing him.  One, not to sound egotistical, but we are so good together either of us will be hard pressed to find what we have.  He also chooses women that I will not feel threatened by in any way.  Older, heavier, less intelligent, not as beautiful, etc.  The only thing that gave me pause was her submission.  She will do anything and I mean anything that he says gladly and with joy.  She is demure, bows her head in his presence (even in public), speaks softly, calls him Sir all the time.  I on the other hand walk tall, speak directly, look him in the eye, speak my mind, and refer to him by name in public.  We appear to be a regular vanilla couple unless you pay close attention.  There are subtle ways that are apparent to others, but f course the comments are negative (part of my moral issue here).  My mother said who the hell is this guy.  No one has been able to control you since you were 3 and has has you change your hair, move, go back to school and wearing different clothes.  My friends said that my relationship concerns him because it is so one sided.  My teenage daughter said he is your Master because he is the only one you would ever back down to.

I question my submission because she derives pleasure out of serving any man and submits to a few and claims to also be poly (not sure how that works as a sub).  I on the other hand submit to him only and am very selective in who I am able to submit to...and it is not unconditional as of yet.  I am still struggling with giving up total control and still having trouble trusting blindly.  I do have to say that is from my past history.  He has never given me any reason.  I have anticipated being let down or failed, and he has always come through and always has my best interests at heart.

I am not sure whether it is my ethical/moral issue or what people would think that hinders my submission and I don't know how to find out.  I am also afraid since I do things 100% or not at all, that I will not be able to control my sexual appetite if it is truly unleashed.

I also think that this journey to becoming a good submissive or slave shouldn't be this hard.  It should come naturally (but I do over think things).

Should I continue on my journey or quit?

Answer
We're discussing this in a non-private setting.  Mind re-contacting me and click on "private" so I can share more openly?

I have experience with about 98% of what you're going through.

Your topics may be too complex to type out, but we'll see.  

When you recontact me, mind pasting this last note into that message?  

Thanks,

Bob