Expert: Miss-L - 1/19/2012

Question
Hi Miss-L,
I have recently begun exploring what has been a long-held fantasy for me. Something about BDSM has always drawn me, though I have only really started trying to educate myself in the past couple of months. I find that much of the information out there is for novice subs/slaves, while info for novice Dommes/Mistresses is scarce. Also, something you said in your profile intrigued me. You said you spent time as a sub because you weren't sure whether you were actually a Domme. I think that's healthy & am sure you have a different perspective now as a Domme because of that.

I too am unsure of where I fit in the spectrum, although in the little exploration I have done so far, I feel much more comfortable and excited in the role of Dominant. Perhaps, someday, if I find the right person, I can try my hand at being a sub as well. For now, though, I am wondering what advice you might offer a lesbian in her mid-thirties, who cannot (due to time and financial constrictions) afford to be in any full-time training program - if there even is such a thing. Which brings me to my second question, how do Dommes get trained? The thought that they are all just winging it is actually disappointing and a bit scary.

I have had the opportunity to explore my Dominant tendencies online with someone who seems to be a natural submissive (which in turn seems to bring out my Dominant tendencies even stronger). I love the way she allows herself to be so vulnerable, so trusting, so eager to please me. That shows such strength on her part, and I cherish it. I want to be worthy of her trust and vulnerability. I want to push her to places she has never even thought of going. And I do not want to hurt her. These are the reasons I want to educate myself. Whatever help and advice you can offer in this matter will be greatly appreciated.

Randi

Answer
Hi Randi,

I'm always glad when I see people stepping into the BDSM scene with the desire to educate themselves. Many people just jump in head first and may experience certain difficulties due to their own lack in research.

If you want to gain some knowledge of how to dominate I definitely say keep exploring and researching the web. Also find a local mentor (if you're open to sharing your kink with other lifestylers). There are local munches, happy hours, and educational events usually within major populated cities. Check out www.fetlife.com to see if there are any happenings in your area. Most importantly, figure how what you enjoy as a dominant. What about the girl who is submitting to you are you enjoying? What tactics are you employing to get her to react in such a manner. These are all things to keep in mind when figuring out what kind of dominant you want to be.

Unfortunately there isn't widespread info on lesbian dominants but there are some women in the position you are preparing for. Lesbian dominants aren't completely rare but the info for them is scarce. I would say you can easily read any over dominant information (that cater to heterosexual relationships) and just adjust the scenarios or info to your personal needs. Not every dominant is reflected in the information provided to us but we take what we like and make it our own.

Also "Female Domination" by Elise Sutton is available on Amazon and is a good read for a beginner.

As long as you keep by the creed of safe, sane, and consensual then you should be okay to explore without fear. And it is a bit scary being in control of someone at first but I promise, practice makes perfect---and is just damn fun!