Expert: Master Shadow - 1/28/2012

Question
I have been married to a wonderful man for 14 years and I'm finally gathering up the courage to ask him to dominate me. I'm an intelligent, powerful business woman with a black belt, but in the bedroom I want desperately to be submissive.

He has a dominant personality and is always the alpha male in the room, but he doesn't have a clue how to dominate me sexually. I also want to be tied up and pretend raped... bad, but there's no way I'm telling him that yet. He's a psychotherapist and over analyzes things too much, but if he reads a book or talks to someone that can explain things maybe he'll open up.

We have a 16-year age difference (he's older) and it seems his desire for sex is waning. I want it all the time and he isn't that into it. I think he is focusing all on performance, but for me it's about seduction and dominant energy.

I don't know what to do. I'm at my peak sexually and feel lost and rejected.

Any advice on how I can explain to my husband what I want or how he can find information on how to be a Dom to see if it is for him?

I have a friend into BDSM and she thinks I need to renegotiate the terms of our marriage so I can get another man to dominate me, but I am fiercely monogamous and I don't want to do that, though I don't judge her or anyone else that has other arrangements.

Thanks,
Lizzie

Answer
First, please excuse the lateness of this answer. I have given this much thought over the past few days, as this is a tricky situation, and I wanted to give it proper thought.

While your husband may be in the mental health field, in this He needs to take off the psychoanalyst hat for a while, and deal with His home life, and wife's needs without analysing things. There needs to be some serious discussion between the two of you on this matter, as it involves you not having your inner needs met, which is causing you stress and unhappiness.

The talk should be done calmly, without coming at each other. He needs to understand that your needs are not being met, and not analyse this, nor take it as a personal failing. There is nothing wrong with adding some spice to your private lives, and often doing so will renew the intense feelings you have for each other. He is, by nature a dominant personality, and to explore this dominance is probably something that has not occured to Him in His marriage.

He needs to understand that bdsm, domination and kink are not, by their definition a mental illness. This can be defined and examined by reading the DSM-V Manual. This manual has been updated and should be released this year, if it hasn't already been released. It clearly states that bdsm is a sexual lifestyle choice, and not an illness unless certain criteria are met, and from the sounds of it, those criteria are not met in your situation.

There are several sites online that deal with the exploration of bdsm, and dominance/submission. Sexual dominance is common in life, it's just that many do not speak of it to outsiders. Sexual rape fantasies are very common among many. But due to society's demand for conformance, often never acted on, and this is a shame, because so many miss out on a great deal of sexual satisfaction by ignoring or hiding their desires.

This, then comes down to acceptance. Many can accept others, and that's great, but self acceptance is priceless. Explain your position to Him in a loving manner in a comfortable setting, like after a good meal, but before bedtime. Explain that this has nothing to do with performance issues, but rather fulfilling a desire you have had for a long time. Tell Hom of your fear of approaching the subject, mainly because of His job, and His habit of overanalysing things, and that in this, He needs to leave the analysis out of it, and just explore.

There are many local groups that meet monthly that are involved in the bdsm lifestyle. They get together at local restaraunts and discuss the lifestyle, teaching newcomers, and freely answering questions without judgement, and groups like this will help a lot in this situation. Check the local internet for nearby clubs, and attend a meeting, often called a munch. You will usually find the food good, the company intelligent and conversive, and the experience quite enjoyable.

I hope this helps!

SINcerely in Leather,

Master Shadow.