Expert: Robert Rubel - 1/11/2012

Question
Through my past sexual experiences I've discovered that I'm very submissive and like pain and what not. I've never told either of my previous partners what I've wanted to try cause neither of them really seemed fully interested in me they just wanted the sex. My current boyfriend I have opened up to in every way even telling him that I want to do M/s stuff with me being the slave obviously.A while ago when we first started messing around sexually over the internet I told him I wanted him to dominate me completely. He decided that I was to call him Captain and that I was his slave. He hasn't come up with a name yet just calling me slave. Is a name needed? If so is there anything in particular that is recommended.

We are both new to this so neither of us is sure exactly what we're doing or supposed to do. I have very little experience sexually and though he's a few years older and has had many more partners he's never really experimented. And only recently found out that the idea of controlling me reallt excites him. This is currently a long distance relationship so we very rarely get to see each other. A lot of our stuff is on line on stuff like Skype. I've asked him to try controlling me and so far we've just done stuff over Skype where he tells me what to do to myself and teases me the best he can. But when we saw each other in person he wasn't fully sure of what to do.

I trust him with my life and am willing to do whatever he wants me to do and though the idea of completely controlling me turns him on he is nervous to actually do it. What is there that I can do to encourage him to actually take complete control? I've told him I'm willing to take the M/s stuff as far as he would like the only boundary I have is sex in public really. He likes the idea of controlling I've seen what it does to him but he just seems to have reservations about going all the way with it. I'm also looking for ideas for bondage toys. I have a pair of handcuffs and that is it I want more stuff but I'm not sure what I can get. What's the best way to get into this kinda relationship? It's long distance for now but I'm sure there are ways to make it work on line.

Answer
Hi, Liss --

I'm 67.  To hear you say that you have had very little facetime with him and it's an Internet-based LDR AND that you trust him with your life seems a bit much.  So... he orders you to rob a bank, would you do it?  He decides he wants to take a dump on you, well... your the slave, right?  Please don't give away your trust until he's proven that he is worthy of it.

No, you don't need a slave name.  One of the most senior Masters in the US -- national lecturer and general good-guy, has two slaves, one is named "slave 7".

First, join www.fetlife.com  It's free and it's where folks like us hang out.  I'm Dr_Bob and you're welcome to send me a friend request.  Then, join some of the M/s groups - there are a handful of them.  And the submissive and slave groups, another handful.

If you will write to my regular email account, I'll send you a list of Internet resources, M/s conferences, and readings grouped by interest categories and levels.  For starters, though, you might pick up a copy of my book: "Master/slave Relations: Handbook of theory and practice".  That will give you a really comprehensive understanding of what M/s is all about.

Usually, people find M/s when they are a bit older than you appear.  They find it after they have had a number of relationships and have come to understand that with M/s, you can create your own world and move right in.  But first, you have to have had enough life-experiences to know what you're avoiding with a boyfriend/girlfriend structure and what you seek in a "structured relationship" as M/s is euphemistically called.

And PLEASE join your local BDSM club -- they usually have educational programs.  You get into these kinds of relationships by meeting local like-minded people.  On Fetlife, you will be able to search for the name of your city and voila!! lots of folks.  You can contact a few and ask what clubs are around.

I'll give you a little hint that isn't going to make any sense to you right now, but you can think of it over the years.  The way M/s is done in the BDSM world is VERY different from the way it is done in the Leather world and the key difference is INTENT.  By the time you've figured out what that means, you'll know you're on the right track.

Hope to hear from you on Fet and by email.

In Leather Heart and Soul,

Bob