Expert: Mistress Violette - 1/5/2012

Question
Hello Mistress Violette,

I began my journey in BDSM as a submissive girl. I used to always believe it came naturally to me. It sure felt as if it was a programmed part of me. In time, I realized that desire to be submissive may have been inbedded in my mind by dominant individuals trying to meet their own needs. Following a D/s relationship that was soured by the dominant's abusive ways, I met my current partner. He has encouraged me to explore my sexuality and the realms of BDSM more then any other individual ever has. In the beginning, I was submissive to him, and he was dominant to me. About a year ago, we discovered an outlet to the BDSM community and have met many others that are active in the lifestyle. We've learned a lot about it all, and opened up even more with one another. I found that he had a desire to be dominated! Upon first try, the thought of myself being dominant seemed like a joke to him and I alike. It was an uneasy transition. He had a hard time taking me seriously when he had been dominating me completely for over a year. And I equally had a difficult time dominating him because I felt him to be superior of me, especially sexually.

With a little inspiration from a couple we met in the lifestyle, and several conversations with others in the life and community...my confidence grew. The transformation seemed almost overnight at that point. We both are switches. But now, following a scene where I'm dominating him, we both end feeling refreshed and relieved. He says it's like I've been doing it my entire life. I feel much more comfortable being dominant now then submissive, in many ways. For example, I enjoy being in charge. I like routine, and orderliness. I find serenity in a well rounded life. And prefer that I call the shots to ensure that everyone in the family is looked out for and has their needs met. Being submissive for me is now challenging because I stress out when giving that control to another. I feel they are not capable of having my best interest in mind. No matter who the person. Maybe you can pay some insight to that aspect also.

But my question is as follows: Do you have pointers as to how to convince a submissive to do as told? I know it depends on the individual. And that everyone learns differently. I've tried several things. I've tried talking to him, and calmly and clearly explaining why I need him to do certain things he neglected. I've tried punishment, but seem to have an issue following through. That is the part of me that isn't comfortable in my dominance. I'm unsure why, but it's challenging for me. I want to please still. I want to meet needs. And I feel like punishment isn't part of that process in my mind. I know it has it's purpose. But I'm unclear as to how to do it I guess? That seems silly to ask. I've had people suggest a reward system. That also seems kind of silly to me.  I mean, I'll praise him when he completes a task. But the things I am referring to are simple household chores mostly. He shouldn't be rewarded for what is a daily necessity. There are rewards in the long run. A happier family, a safer family, time to relax and enjoy life, more time for play, ect. Apparently he doesn't realize the advantages of having a tidy home. How can I motivate him and teach him, when he's so stubborn and persistant. I have had others tell me to leave him because he doesn't seem interested/have goals. But I feel I am failing him by not being able to motivate him. Like I am not clearly understanding and meeting his needs. To be the submissive, the plans are laid out for you. To be dominant, it's a bit of a mystery. A game of sorts. The challenge is exciting and satisfying. But perhaps a part of myself still wishes for my partner to be able to take charge and give me comfort in doing so. Perhaps my confusion with roles and inability to settle is also causing him confusion.

Any insight you have would be greatly appreciated. I apologize for the unorganized thoughts and revealing of the situation. Thanks for your time and help.

Sincerely,
Rebbecca

Answer
Hello, Rebbecca,

It sounds like you're right in your belief that others may have influenced you toward submission. When some people hear that a woman is interested in BDSM they automatically think she's submissive and don't consider offering her a choice of experiences. If you now find yourself stressing out and being unable to trust, it's likely being submissive isn't really part of your makeup. If you don't find satisfaction and fulfillment in submitting, you probably shouldn't try to do it.

I suspect that acknowledging that you're dominant only could go a long way toward solving your current problem with your partner. A sub has to believe that his dominant knows what she's doing, that she can take control. His resistance could be because he's not completely sure that you're competent and trustworthy as a dominant. And that may be happening because you haven't yet committed to your own dominance.

The other possibility is that the two of you have different ideas about what constitutes a BDSM relationship. You want to control, which is what being a dominant is about. The corollary is that being a submissive is about submitting to that control, not picking and choosing how and when he submits. Before you go too much farther, the two of you need to be clear about what BDSM means to each of you. You said you transformed almost overnight. I'm wondering if, with the suddenness and newness of it, the two of you didn't have time to negotiate the relationship. If so, take a step back and do that now. Talk about your expectations, your wants and needs and your limits. There are all sorts of ways to do BDSM. For a BDSM relationship to be successful, the ways the partners do BDSM need to be compatible.

Do I have pointers about how to convince a submissive to do as told? No. To me, doing as he's told is what submission is. If someone believes differently, we're not compatible enough for a BDSM relationship. You're in a different position, though, because you're already in the relationship. I don't think a submissive needs to be motivated; the desire to submit, to please his dominant should already be there. If not, why is he in a BDSM relationship? I don't think submission can be taught, either. It's an "either you are or you aren't" sort of thing. I suspect the solution to your problem lies in finding out your partner's beliefs and seeing if the two of you really are on the same BDSM page.

I wish you all the best in working this out, Rebbecca.

Mistress Violette