BDSM/D/s

Advertisement


Question
I am currently trying to figure out how to be a good Dom. Not sure about the Leather and never been involved in public BDSM/Leather scene. I do have a sub that has more experience with D/s relationships than me and she turned me to this webpage to answer what questions she didn't have very good answers for. Where would I start as a master? Is it alright for me to be a master that shows he truly cares about the wellbeing of his sub without compromising my position or power? How do I as a dom prevent my sub from challenging me?
How do I balance between being a dominate or domineering? How do I know if I'm going too far with my sub? How far and fast should I go? What are good toys/equipment for pleasure and punishment to start off with? What kind of restraints are good starter restraints?
My sub has brought up collaring and I do not understand its meaning other than it claims her to me. When is a good time to collar a sub? Would it be after the sub gives in completely and wants to be "marked"? How do you live the life every day without having anyone know you are a dom if your job wouldn't be okay with it? What are good collars to begin with that the sub can wear in public? Should the sub wear the collar at all times, in public and at home? How do you "control" your sub in public without bringing attention to yourself if she gets out of line? How do you live the lifestyle every day and ensure the sub is obedient if they are not local or living with you full time?
I want to be a good Dom for my sub, she didn't have a very good first one from what she has told me. I don't want her scared to have fun with this. Any and all answers you can give me would be most appreciated.

Answer
Wow!  Your question is too broad for a quick answer.

I'm not sure how you can do it when your active duty, but you'll want to find and start participating in a local BDSM club.  They teach you all of this.

Start with some of this...

Good Starting Points – Applies either to Leather or BDSM.
http://promisetoplaysafe.com/values.html
http://www.sensuoussadie.com/resources/newtobdsm.htm
http://www.drkdesyre.com  go to her “resources” link


Protocol Sources
http://www.officerwes.com  [Very deep site that will take you to most of the prime Leather sites – lots on Protocols, here.  Primary resource for protocols.]

http://www.officerwes.com/young_masters.htm  [Gives you a good sense of the “questing” undertaken by Leather Masters – helps set the tone for a Protocol Manual]

http://www.bearpair.com/Leather/Protocol.htm  [Very interesting site and a good source of Leather protocols]


Outstanding Leather Resources
http://www.arizonapowerexchange.org/academic.html  [Some important papers can be found here, as well as the link to The Butchmann’s Expereince I strongly recommend their courses.]

http://www.leatherarchives.org/resources/resource.htm  [This is the “headquarters” for the official history of Leather in this country.]

http://www.vanilla-not.com/reallife/oldguard.html [Excellent collection of essays on “Old Guard”


Outstanding M/s Resources
http://www.enslavement.org.uk/ [Nice and cerebral – great articles, especially on “internal enslavement – IE]

http://www.bornslaves.com/index.html [Key site]

http://www.mastertaino.com/articles.htm [Some very powerful articles written by very powerful Masters]

Books if You’re Just Starting Out in BDSM
•   Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Philip Miller
•   Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame
•   When Someone You Love is Kinky by Dossie Easton
•   The Loving Dominant by John Warren
•   Sensuous Magic 2 Ed: A Guide to S/M for Adventurous Couples by Patrick Califia
•   SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman (a bit academic, but discusses safety issues for most sm activities you’ll experience)

Core Readings for Master/slave
<b>
•   Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice by Robert J Rubel (This will provide your best opportunity to get an overall understanding of Master/slave relationships.)<b>
•   Protocol Handbook for the Female slave: Handbook of Theory and Practice by Robert J Rubel
•   Master/slave Relations: Communications 401 – the advanced course by Robert J. Rubel
•   SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude--Principles, Skills and Tools by Guy Baldwin
•   Ties That Bind: The SM/Leather/Fetish Erotic Style: Issues, Commentaries and Advice by Guy Baldwin
•   Partners in Power: Living in Kinky Relationships by Jack Rinella


Two Lists of Best Selling Amazon Books – updated weekly
•   Top 100 BDSM books: http://www.bdsmbooknews.com/top100/#0679769560
•   Top 15 Master/slave books: http://www.slaveregister.com/settings/sign-in/listings/books  (hit: “Continue as Guest”

Core Readings as you Advance
•   The Master's Manual: A Handbook of Erotic Dominance by Jack Rinella
•   This Curious Human Phenomenon: An Exploration of Some Uncommonly Explored Aspects of BDSM by Peter Masters
•   The Control Book by Peter Masters


++++++

I'd recommend my own book (Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice) as your starting point.  And the next one -- on protocols.

1) Master has total responsibility for slave, so yes, you must care about her.
2) Challenging you: Master's wants may trump slave's wants but may NOT trump slave's needs.  You'll have to find out WHY she is resisting you.  You'll have to develop consequences for non-compliance.
3) Dominating is bullying.  As a Master, you are a visionary leader.
4) All the "how fast, how far" questions are unanswerable without knowing the two of you.  If she's truly experienced, she should be able to guide you and train you to be her Master. READ BOOKS.  On controlling her, read: The Control Book by Masters
5) You can find out about collars and collaring on Internet searches.  They mean what the two of you say they mean.  She'll be ready for a collar when you understand enough about them to offer one.  It sounds as though she wants you to manage her life -- hence the collar.  Rather like an engagement ring.  A full collar us usually seen as stronger than a marriage ring.
6) Marked: very individualized -- often, the slave is marked as part of (or soon after) she is offered her permanent collar.  Other times, she's marked when she asks to be marked.
7) You develop private protocols so when you're in public you both know she's doing little things just the way you've instructed her, but you're not scaring the vanillas.  Read my protocol book.
8) A "collar" can be anything.  You can give her a perfectly normal gold/silver plain necklace and to the two of you, it's her collar.  It's all symbolic.  I used to wear a pocket watch that my Owner gave me.

Join Fetlife.  It's free and you can ask all these questions in the various GROUPS and get lots of response.  If you join Fet, I'm Dr_Bob: you're welcome to send me a friend request.

Enjoy!!

Bob  

BDSM

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Robert Rubel (Dr. Bob)

Expertise

Anything related to BDSM or Master/slave relationships or activities.

Experience

See: www.KinkMastery.com I live 24/7 Master/slave lifestyle and have since 2002 both as Master and slave. My Owner and I present and do "weekend intensives" internationally and at BDSM conferences practically every month.

Organizations
Masters And slaves Together (MAsT) National Leather Association - International (NLA-I) National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF)

Publications
+++ BDSM Mastery—Basics: your guide to play, parties, and scene protocols. +++ BDSM Mastery—Relationships: a guide for creating mindful relationships for Dominants and submissives +++ Master/slave Mastery: Updated handbook of concepts, approaches, and practices +++ Master/slave Mastery--Advanced: Refining the fire; ideas that matter +++ Master/slave Mastery--Protocols: Focusing the intent of your relationship +++ Is THAT What They Meant? A book of practical communication insights

Education/Credentials
PhD, Urban Education Policy Studies with a minor in criminology, U of Wisconsin, Madison. EdM, Boston University with specialty in urban education Presented 80+ BDSM weekend conferences worldwide since 2007.

Awards and Honors
Pantheon of Leather Community Choice - Man, 2008

Past/Present Clients
Not applicable.

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.