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Hi. I stumbled across this site while I was looking for some answers. You seemed very experienced and your responses to other questions were reasonable and instructive - so I thought, why not go right to the horse's mouth.

If you had asked me 2 years ago wether I was into BDSM I would have had to first ask you what that was, and then would have said no. But things have changed. My fantasies have developed differently in the last few years, really changed. Then one friend lent me some erotica books, and an other, much later, identified me as a sub. So, I started to read up online. Almost everything I have found just excites me more.  I had even convinced my ex to play some submissive games in the bedroom- some of which worked okay, but some were less satisfying.

Now, I have been single for 6 months and I have spent some time to really connect with myself and what I want.  I know that I am mostly submissive, but do have fantasies of having my own subs someday (just not yet!) More than that though, I have found it is not just the sexual side that appeals to me anymore. I struggle with self discipline, and self love, both of which I think could be addressed in the type of relationship I am looking for. I would like to experience the personal growth that I sense is possible.

So, what advice can you give to someone who has no idea where to look? Can you weed some of the chaff away from your experience? Remember, I am heading down this path alone, and need to be doubly cautious. Is there any way to find a mentor in my area? (Toronto) How does one begin to get involved in the BDSM scene? Basically any help in guiding my first steps would be appreciated.

Answer
Hi, Lee -- Thanks for writing and for your kind words...

You sound as though you're on the right track.  I, too, tend to go submissive around a strong Domme -- and am now living with one.

I'd most suggest that you link up with some of your local groups.  I'm good friends with the MAsT Chapter Pres in Ottawa (Masters And slaves Together: Andy) and texted him about groups for you.  He replied that you might want to join www.Fetlife.com -- it's free.  If you do that, you can send me a friend request (Dr_Bob).  Then -- go to Groups and type in Toronto.  He said there are a number in your area. He further said that www.ehbc.ca provides the events calendar with munches and parties for Southern Ontario.

On Fet -- when you type in "Toronto" you'll get hundreds and hundreds of names of folks.  You can scan through some of the profiles and contact a few about taking you to a "munch".  A munch is a public get-together, usually over a meal, where folks of like mind simply visit.  Often, a club wants to see you at a munch before they'll let you attend a play party.

I suppose I'd offer this caution: the person who brags so much that they know so much and can help you, probably can't.  Ask around.  You may wish to be mentored by a senior submissive.  Also, it can take a while to figure out whether your a D-type or an s-type.  I'm a switch at the psychological D/s level, but I very, very seldom bottom.  So - you will want to distinguish between being a service submissive type or a sexual bottom submissive type.

Yes, lots of personal growth.  Send me an email to PowerExchangeEditor@yahoo.com and I'll send you a resource list for Internet sites, conferences, and books.  For events down here in the US, I highly recommend www.thebdsmeventspage.com  

Attending weekend conferences will give you a crash course not only in skills but also in the culture.  This is a subculture with its own rules and customs.  And then there's Leather -- but that will come in time.  VERY different subculture.

Hope this helps -- write back if you have other questions.

Hope you have a lovely weekend,

Bob  

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Robert Rubel (Dr. Bob)

Expertise

Anything related to BDSM or Master/slave relationships or activities.

Experience

See: www.KinkMastery.com I live 24/7 Master/slave lifestyle and have since 2002 both as Master and slave. My Owner and I present and do "weekend intensives" internationally and at BDSM conferences practically every month.

Organizations
Masters And slaves Together (MAsT) National Leather Association - International (NLA-I) National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF)

Publications
+++ BDSM Mastery—Basics: your guide to play, parties, and scene protocols. +++ BDSM Mastery—Relationships: a guide for creating mindful relationships for Dominants and submissives +++ Master/slave Mastery: Updated handbook of concepts, approaches, and practices +++ Master/slave Mastery--Advanced: Refining the fire; ideas that matter +++ Master/slave Mastery--Protocols: Focusing the intent of your relationship +++ Is THAT What They Meant? A book of practical communication insights

Education/Credentials
PhD, Urban Education Policy Studies with a minor in criminology, U of Wisconsin, Madison. EdM, Boston University with specialty in urban education Presented 80+ BDSM weekend conferences worldwide since 2007.

Awards and Honors
Pantheon of Leather Community Choice - Man, 2008

Past/Present Clients
Not applicable.

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