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I'm not involved in any kind of D/s relationship nor have I ever been.  Which is really the problem.  I've been with my now husband for something like 15 years now and only recently figured out how sexually submisive I am...or think I am since it's hard to really undertand. with limited experience.

  This understanding has been building for 5 years or so.  It started with writing some erotic fiction.  I figured out pretty quickly what kinds of fantasies I was stuck on and took just a little longer to sort out most of the why.

  Great right?  Except that my husband had a generally negative reaction to the few - I thought relativly innocnet - pieces I shared with him hoping he would be turned on.  Instead he seemed generally put off by the idea that I have that vivid of a fantasy life.  He sort of freaked out and seemed to feel sexually threatened to the point of asking if I was having an affair which he does with annoying frequency even after having been told that if we were done I'd at least be honest about it and not sleep around behind his back.

  The most hilarious part of all this is that the only story he expressed any appriciation for was one with a man in the submissive role.  He's also openly expressed interest in me being bolder and more sexually agressive.  This has always been difficult for me, even before I had any dominance fantasies.  On top of that , my husband has a few other sexual hang ups that make it hard for me.  Some things he's said in the past, strongly suggest that he ultimately thinks sex is bad.  Like, no sex on Sundays or Christmas or Valentine's day and really once a week is should be enough... So I've had some bad experiences with putting myself out there and having him shut me down (this we have talked about at length so he understands now, but the fear is still there).

  So, what have I done to try to fix this?  I've tried asking for more direction from him in the bedroom.  Asking him what he wants in general, what turns him on.  Or in the heat of the moment asking him to tell me what to do.  He indulges me in the latter though pretty rarely to my mind.  Otherwise he's pretty sexually passive most of the time.  

After the kind of problems I've had in the past with his reception of my fantasies the most talking I've managed is being honest about my inability to take charge the way he seems interested in.  I have tried to figure out if there's a way I can make that work :/ like taking turns.  But so far, I just don't have it in me.  I feel like I'm running the rest of the show.  Bread winner, mom - sometimes not just to my kids, housekeeper...I don't have the energy at the end of the week to fake something so far outside of my range, even though I know it would probably really work for him.

  The absolute hardest part of all this for me is that he seems perfectly happy being take-charge in other parts of our life to the point where sometimes I feel bullied.  I can't hang a picture, buy and outfit, or get my hair cut without him putting his unsolicited two cents in and eventually turning it into a pointless argument if we disagree, which he usually wins because I'm a human door mat.  But when I try to head him off and ask for his opinion... he either doesn't care or tries to get me to 'take responsibility'.  Argh!!!

  Obviously this relationship isn't going away.  We've been together forever - since I was 18, and we have young kids.  Any kind of open relationship is not going to happen with this guy.  But I'm going crazy feeling like I've got all of this wasted potential.  The grass is never really greener on the other side of the fence, but my grass has almost all been trampled.

  I'm not even sure what my question is...I guess is there any hope for two subs?  I'm guessing that's what we are.  

  Sorry that was ridiculous long and Thanks!

Answer
Aargh....

Honestly, we (Jen and I) probably need to speak with you by phone.  We need to have some give-and-take when replying.  If you would like that, please re-contact me here on AllExperts but send a private (non-public) question and I'll send you our phone number and email address.  We can work out a time.

I hardly know where to begin.  If he has a sex hangup, that suggests therapy.  In that regard, I'd start with the quickest/cheapest = an NLP Master Practitioner (Neuro-Linguistic Programming).  Failing that, perhaps a sex counselor.  Failing that -- pick up books for yourself on how to be more vampish?  "The Ethical Slut"?  Amazon and B/N are full of books that can help that way.  Set up the house so it's a romantic heaven (we do this and can speak with you about it).  Blow up your TV?  (We won't have one in the house.)  Read books on D/s relationships.  Write if you need some examples.  

The door to sexual fulfillment centers around your partner knowing the kind of material to which you masturbate.  If he isn't fascinated by your erotic writings....  back to therapy or basic communications/relationship books.

My heart goes out to you.  Jen and I do a one-hour free webinar second and fourth Tuesdays of each month and you can see how we dress up for nightly dinners.  We use dinnertime as a bonding opportunity.  The dinner play is foreplay.  Changing clothes after work is a way of changing your mental head-space and is the first step towards reconnecting with your partner.

Now -- even if you elect not to re-contact me, I'd strongly encourage you to keep writing and to get yourself published either on Kindle or in one of the many online erotic writing sites.  You must not stifle your own growth and development because of your partner: not part of the marriage contract.

Bob

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Robert Rubel (Dr. Bob)

Expertise

Anything related to BDSM or Master/slave relationships or activities.

Experience

See: www.KinkMastery.com I live 24/7 Master/slave lifestyle and have since 2002 both as Master and slave. My Owner and I present and do "weekend intensives" internationally and at BDSM conferences practically every month.

Organizations
Masters And slaves Together (MAsT) National Leather Association - International (NLA-I) National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF)

Publications
+++ BDSM Mastery—Basics: your guide to play, parties, and scene protocols. +++ BDSM Mastery—Relationships: a guide for creating mindful relationships for Dominants and submissives +++ Master/slave Mastery: Updated handbook of concepts, approaches, and practices +++ Master/slave Mastery--Advanced: Refining the fire; ideas that matter +++ Master/slave Mastery--Protocols: Focusing the intent of your relationship +++ Is THAT What They Meant? A book of practical communication insights

Education/Credentials
PhD, Urban Education Policy Studies with a minor in criminology, U of Wisconsin, Madison. EdM, Boston University with specialty in urban education Presented 80+ BDSM weekend conferences worldwide since 2007.

Awards and Honors
Pantheon of Leather Community Choice - Man, 2008

Past/Present Clients
Not applicable.

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