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BDSM/how to train a female slave with a dominant personality

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Question
Hello Dr. Bob,  

My husband and I are trying M/s. He has about five years experience and I have two. We have just joined a Leather family so we now identify as Leather.

My Master/husband has asked me to gather some information for him.

He has been married twice before and later acquired a slave for a short period of time. Then we got together, about a year and a half ago. The women he has had experience with prior to me were natural submissives. His previous slave is a service slave. All those women were submissive all the way around: with him and in the vanilla world. The problem is that I'm the first naturally dominant woman he's been with and he doesn't think the standard method of service slave training will work with me. He is unsure as to where to begin.

I found out two years ago that being dominated by a man brought me quiet and relieved my stress. I am quite dominant to all who meet me out in vanilla society and sometimes in the lifestyle if I don't watch myself. I am the type who is a perfectionist, micromanager, OCD, overanalyzes, and tend to take control. It can be exhausting. I enjoy relinquishing all of that to my Master. I also enjoy pleasing him but that doesn't drive me to serve. If Master was to just sit around waiting for me to serve him meals, drinks, be at his beck and call...and I get nothing in return? I lose my motivation to please him. I need to feel controlled, I enjoy being played, I need the extras to help fuel my desire to please him. Without it I start to feel taken advantage of.

Master doesn't know how to begin my training and what methods to use to dominate me in the ways I need and that would help us achieve a successful M/s dynamic. Can you provide any advice and/or resources focused on female slaves with strong personalities?

BTW we own a couple of your books: Communication and Conflict Resolution.

Thank you for any help you can provide us.

Answer
Hi, jolie, thanks for writing...

First and foremost: The world of Master/slave is very roughly divided into two schools of thought -- Leather and not-Leather (called BDSM by those of us in Leather).

The BDSM model of M/s structures originates in fiction books and movies and reflects the Western cultural tradition that men are Doms and women are subs.  (As an ardent "women's libber" from the 60s, I have always found this to be outrageous -- but I'm 68).  

The Leather approach to M/s is characterized by having dominant slaves.  I'm one such.  I am serving my Domme: I chose her because I liked her wisdom and thought I could benefit from her guidance.  

Message: Don't lose any sleep over being in a M/s structure as a Domme.

Now to your training question.

Issue: what kind of slave is he looking for and what kind of slave fits who you are.  In my case with Jen, we use the "Leader/manager" model.  In business-speak (my own language) it's a "CEO/COO" structure.  We tried Mommy/boy, Master/slave, no-structure, Keeper/mess and they all failed.  They failed because I'm used to running things and the minute you try to direct my use of time when I'm working on writing books, etc, you'll get serious push-back.

So: Jen gives me areas of responsibility and then steps back.  For example: the house is to be immaculate upon her return from work; if she wants to take a trip, she tells me when and where and I do all the logistics/ordering/scheduling.  I describe my slave-role as that of her personal assistant.  Back to my lead question -- what kind of slave does he want and does that fit with what you want.

And I'm glad you have the Communications 401 book.  That gives you a substantial advantage in negotiating with him.

Training.  How about reading.  How about send me an email to PowerExchangeEditor@yahoo.com and I'll send you my "resources" list with Internet links, M/s conference list, books by category and experience level.  You'll probably want to start out with my book on "Master/slave Relations: Handbook of theory and practice" and move on to "Slavecraft" by Guy Baldwin.  Then, Partners in Power and then over to Rinella's books.

+++

Some stuff for the two of you to work through:

Does he NEED a service slave?  If yes, how about getting one for YOU to manage (NOTE: you become Alpha slave and select and train the service slave.  If HE is in direct authority over a beta slave it could well explode your relationship)

[Personal note: my slave of eight years was NOT a service slave.  She is an RN/paralegal and has never held a service position in her life.  She became my "courtesan" slave.  Her job was to look beautiful EVERY night (we dress for dinners -- no TV) including keeping her hair/nails/toes in "show" condition, to read to me, to play the piano for me, to make sure that each night was like Valentine's Day.  What are your strengths?  What can you do that brings honor and prestige to him and to the both of you?  Jen, my Domme, is starting to become a national presenter and is starting to write along side me.  M/s is a two-way street: he's responsible for supporting your dreams as much as you're responsible for supporting his.

Overarching concept:  While Master's wants may trump slave's wants, they may NEVER trump slave's needs.

What do each of you want and need.  If you have the second of those books, Solutions 402, there's an exercise in there to try to tease out those answers.

Hope this helps and feel free to write back.  Can even discuss this on the phone with Jen and me if you wish.  If yes, send me an email and we'll set up a call -- perhaps with the four of us.

+++

To the crux of your question...  Training methods.  Get a couple of books about dog and horse training for him.  Same principles and clearly explained.  It's behavior modification stuff.

Major issue: the two of you might consider writing out your protocols manual.  That way you'd both be clear about how your everyday behavior recognizes and honors the power dynamic of your relationship.

If I missed something, please write back...

Bob  

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Robert Rubel (Dr. Bob)

Expertise

Anything related to BDSM or Master/slave relationships or activities.

Experience

See: www.KinkMastery.com I live 24/7 Master/slave lifestyle and have since 2002 both as Master and slave. My Owner and I present and do "weekend intensives" internationally and at BDSM conferences practically every month.

Organizations
Masters And slaves Together (MAsT) National Leather Association - International (NLA-I) National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF)

Publications
+++ BDSM Mastery—Basics: your guide to play, parties, and scene protocols. +++ BDSM Mastery—Relationships: a guide for creating mindful relationships for Dominants and submissives +++ Master/slave Mastery: Updated handbook of concepts, approaches, and practices +++ Master/slave Mastery--Advanced: Refining the fire; ideas that matter +++ Master/slave Mastery--Protocols: Focusing the intent of your relationship +++ Is THAT What They Meant? A book of practical communication insights

Education/Credentials
PhD, Urban Education Policy Studies with a minor in criminology, U of Wisconsin, Madison. EdM, Boston University with specialty in urban education Presented 80+ BDSM weekend conferences worldwide since 2007.

Awards and Honors
Pantheon of Leather Community Choice - Man, 2008

Past/Present Clients
Not applicable.

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