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Hello Master Ben,

I'd like to start with some background info. My girlfriend of 16 months and I have always been interested in pursuing a D/s relationship in which she is a 24/7 slave and I am a 24/7 Daddy Dom. However, neither of us have any experience in BDSM and I've done some minimal reading. I am wondering what some good ideas are to get her started in her training, as well as what sort of punishments I should give her when she does not perform to my liking. Another hindrance to my intentions would be the fact that until February, her and I will be pursuing a Long Distance Relationship as I have to be away for school until then. What can I do to break her will over the internet, and how should I punish her? What sort of tasks should I give her as training? Is play an important part?

Thank you

Mark

Answer
Mark -

It's wonderful that you have a partner that shares your interest, you both see value in a D/s relationship, and you want to start out on the right foot.

I realize that the Daddy/girl dynamic can be different, but from my perspective there are a couple of assumptions you have that I don't share.

First, I don't see a need to "break the will" of a submissive.  First of all, I don't want anything I possess and desire to be "broken."  There is obviously something (or many somethings) about her that you love.  So why do you want to undo who she is?  My goal is for a submissive's will -- their driving desire - to be to serve and please me.  I'd suggest you think of molding rather than breaking.  It isn't that she doesn't have opinions, preferences, likes, wants, and needs.  Rather, the goal I seek is for the first filter for the submissive to be "What would please my Dominant partner?"

Now, on to the topic of training.  Frankly, I can't tell her what to train her in, since I'm not you and I don't know your preferences.  To me, "training" is about learning the desires, needs and preferences of the Dominant.  If I told you to train her in tea service and you hate drinking tea that would be a big waste of time, right?  Same thing if I tell you train her to service 50 cocks in a night, balance a champagne glass on her back, cook Thai food, or provide a foot massage.  If those aren't things you like, then there is no purpose to the training.  So the first step is for you to decide what it is that you want from her and your relationship.  Once you know the answer, then figure out how you would like to share with her your needs, desires and preferences.

What if she doesn't do what you ask of her?  Some would say the answer is to punish her.  I'm not a fan of punishment (oh, I love beating my submissive partner - but that's because it's fun!  Not because I'm trying to correct a behavior).  If something isn't getting done the way you want, I'd encourage you to figure out why.  Are your directions clear?  Did you give her adequate training?  How about enough time and resources to do it?  Is she acting out to get attention or test whether you really care?  Figure that out and correct whatever the specific problem is.  How do you correct it?  By telling her you're disappointed (if it was her mistake - and admit if it was yours).  To me, that disappoint is usually the toughest punishment any submissive can endure.

As to timing and the long-distance nature of your starting point, you have two paths.  The first is that you come up with tasks that she can do when you're away and you can observe her performance.  You could have her write in an online journal.  You could have her do tasks around the house and you check up via webcam.  The other option is to wait until you come back so that you are there to provide first-hand instructions, oversight and feedback.

Best of luck,

Ben

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Ben Martin

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Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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