BDSM/ASAP I'm new completely and in need of some help? Please?
QUESTION: Hi, I'm not really sure where to start.. I'm completely new to bdsm, and the person who I had my first play with I got attached to as we did the dom / sub online for around 3 weeks, and meet in person the other day. He is a really nice person. But he has another sub.. Well what I thought was a sub, but I seen on a website we are all on that they are now in an open relationship. He is not monograms and wants poly relations.. Bt he said to me that we will see how we progress and play and maybe end up doing a relationship. But now I have seen this I am very upset. And I'm meant to be meeting him tomorrow, but I don't know what to say to him, as when he is with the other sub we don't talk.... I'm very part at this fact as she is everything to him on this 'site'.. And I don't know what to do as I sent him a message sayin were does this leave us then if u are with her, etc.. I did the wrong thing and let my emotions take control before i thought. Now I need help to get him to talk to me n still let me round his to play tomorrow.. I think I may have lost him. Please help.. (Female sub)
ANSWER: Hi, Alana --
First, it's important for you to know that when sado-masochistic play (called sm play) is involved with a power-exchange romance the overall effect on a new submissive is usually overwhelming and unlike anything she has encountered before. I will also caution you that if you choose to enter our world of BDSM (Bondange/Discipline; Dominance/submission; Sado-masochism) you're likely to find that it's a one-way door: you'll not want to leave. In fact, in the 12 years that I've been involved in this community, I've only heard of a handful of submissives returning to the "world of Vanillas".
Second, if you DO enter with this fellow (or another) you'll likely find a rush of emotions that you've not often experienced before. Just offering you a heads-up.
In my presentations, I OFTEN comment that in our world, people generally "fall into lust before they fall into logic." Translation: they act with their emotions before thinking about the intersection of their wants/needs and those of the person giving them these experiences.
As you explore this world -- which is actually a full-blown sociological subculture -- there are many different kinds of relationship structures. Dominant/submissive; Daddy/girl; Master/slave; Owner/property; Owner/pet; et.c. It is not uncommon for a Dominant to have different kinds of relationship structures going on at the same time. It is a little less common to have multiple submissives at the same time because the women seldom think that's funny.
I would encourage you to SLOWLY find out who this guy is and spend some time thinking about what you may want out of this new path. For example, I'd most strongly suggest that you concurrently join a local BDSM club and get to know some other Doms. "What we do" can be dangerous and in the U.S., much of what we do is outright illegal if witnessed by a law enforcement officer.
Now: so far as your situation is concerned, it seems to me that one key point is whether his current submissive knows of you, likes you, and wants you to be part of their Family and whether or not YOU wish to be in a poly relationship.
Poly relationships are pretty sophisticated. They usually work best by people who have been married and/or been used to the swinging lifestyle.
You ask what you can do to get him back. First, you should not worry about losing him because you tell him how you feel. If you lose him for that reason, be glad that you lost him: please realize that there are lots of quality Doms out there who would love to meet you and discuss mentoring/playing with you (In the U.S., it is the custom that a mentor serve as a teacher and NOT play with the mentee until the mentoring is over).
Here are some books to start you out:
Books if You’re Just Starting Out in BDSM
• Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Philip Miller
• Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame
• When Someone You Love is Kinky by Dossie Easton
• The Loving Dominant by John Warren
• Sensuous Magic 2 Ed: A Guide to S/M for Adventurous Couples by Patrick Califia
I hope this helps, and thanks for writing,
Oh -- if you're not yet a member of www.Fetlife.com, I'd urge you to join. It's free. If you do, I'm Dr_Bob and you're welcome to send me a friend request.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thank you so much for the quick reply.. I really appreciate it. And yes, ATM we are just play partners, but I already have had a mass of emotions I don't entirely understand so I don't know how to tell him how I feel,
Yes the other sub knows about wand is happy for us to do what we are dong but would like us kept separately hence why me n sir don't talk whilst he is with her or visa versa.
Yes I understand the risks, during the first play I had a punishment and was very aware of why this was consented.. Thank you for explaining it better to me tho. I really appreciate it.
Also, so is it common for a dom to have more then one sub then? And I'm used to the 'swinging' life style as I've been doing that for a while, and only just found the bdsm side of things I like, he never pushes me and always tells me to use my safe word.. Althought I don't entirely understand the poly side of relationships I understand the open.
I have some bad insecurities about being left and abandoned which I think is what is playing on my mind..
I would love any advice you could give me onto how to really please my sir. As I'm still new it's a little bit like 'umm what do I do' if you know what I mean ?? N I'm actually in the uk. Tbh, but this was the only website and yourself that seemed to have a lot of experience in it...
Yes I am on fetlife. Thank you, and I don't have any money to be ale to read those books unfortunately so any advice you could give me on how to please or how to cope with the new feelings I'm very very happy to hear. Many many thanks
Thank you so much for this..
I can't really suggest ways that you can please your Dom; only he can tell you. So: ask him. His job is to be able to communicate clearly to you; your job is to listen attentively and fulfill his wishes. No outsider can comment on a relationship.
Poly: there are two general poly structures. They are referred to as "triangle" or "V". In the triangle method everyone interacts with everyone else; in the "V" system the man has separate relationships with each woman.
In my experience, it's WWWAAAAYYYY easier to set up a triangle system of the WOMAN in the relationship goes out and finds another woman that she really likes and brings her to the guy. When the guy finds another woman and tries to bring her into an established relationship, the existing woman tends to "see dragons under stones" as it were -- she will likely feel insecure and threatened by the new lady.
There are a LOT of free Internet sites dealing with dom/sub relationships. I hardly know where to send you. Try some of these:
Perhaps the most comprehensive and sophisticated site I can recommend -- particularly for types of play -- belongs to Peter Masters (Sydney, AU). Clever guy. Try this one: http://www.peter-masters.com/wiki/index.php/The_Control_Book
Back to you.