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Question
I was am new to the sub dom relationship.  My former Dom found me less than six months ago and introduced me to this lifestyle.   Master Dom trained me well and the few times I did use the  safe words he was proud of me for stopping.  I thought we had a relationship.  Then last week He sent me away last week and refuses to speak with me.  He told me to, "move on".  I don't know what I did and I am going crazy.  I tried to apologize and told him I would do better, but he stated, "there's nothing you can do I am sending you away".  He has made it clear that he no longer wants to be with me, so instead of being a creepy stalker, where can I go to find a dom that wants me?  It seems that the lifestyle is limited  where I am from and I am afraid of putting myself out there for risk of being hurt.  I just don't understand and I want need this.

Answer
miss -

I'm so sorry you're hurting.  Ending any relationship is difficult. Having it end suddenly and surprisingly even more so.  And it is made all the more difficult in a D/s relationship because of the level of attachment and vulnerability.  

It sucks. Unfortunately, it will continue to suck.  Until it doesn't.  

The first step is understanding that it's over.  We all try and understand what happened when a relationship ends.  We rarely get a complete answer.  No matter how much you reflect on things, you'll still only have your perspective.  Sometimes that will lead you to decide you failed.  Other times it might lead you to conclude he was jerk.  I obviously don't know what the truth is.  But the more that you can honestly reflect, the more that you can learn from the experience.  What things did he do that you liked (and I mean behavioral patterns and style of Dominance not just kinky activities)?  What things did he do that you didn't like?  What things did you like and dislike about your actions, behaviors and thoughts?  What would you do differently?

Take time for this reflection.  When a relationship plays such a central role in our self-definition - and happiness -- it's tempting (OK, very tempting) to quickly search for a replacement to fill the void.  Resist the temptation.  you need to take some time to process.  you need to take some time to reflect and learn.  you need to take some time to heal.  I'm speaking with the voice of experience.

Once you know you're ready (and there won't be a sign from the heavens, you'll just wake up feeling differently one day), then you can start your new search from a position of strength (yup, a submissive should feel strong).  I don't know where in Indiana you live, but there are probably others in the Lifestyle near you.  It isn't a dating site - more like a BDSM FaceBook -- but FetLife is a place where you can participate in group discussions and find events (munches, workshops, discussions, play parties, etc.) near you.

And keep reminding yourself: If he doesn't want you, then that's a relationship you don't want to be in.

Be well,

Ben

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Ben Martin

Expertise

Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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