You are here:

BDSM/Husband intolerant of past (legnthy)

Advertisement


Question
I am 26 years old, a mother to 2 boys (I only had one when first meeting my Master) and I was a sub to my (now former) Master for almost 4 years. My Master is an officer in the military so our relationship has been mostly long distance but our bond is strong. This last year I started dating outside of our S/M relationship with permission from my Master due to his inability to be here full time for me. I am now married to the man I was dating and I have stopped my S/M relationship (My Master wished to end it for my benefit). I am still very close to my Master because over the course of the years he became more than just my Master. My problem is that my husband is bothered, jealous, and intolerable of my past with my former Master. My husband is not into the Lifestyle at all and I still have my desires and needs as a sub that my husband finds repulsive. Before we married I had discussed with him my past and that if we married and I no longer had my Master that I would still have those desires. My husband agreed that he would be interested in learning about the Lifestyle and give it a try, well, once we were married and I brought the subject up again, his view has changed completely.  Iíve talked to my former Master a few times since the last time he has left and we are still close because of our past. I have been honest about this with my husband, but he seems too threatened by him. I have explained to him that I am no longer his Sub because I was married to him (not my former Master) and even my former Master has explained the same. My former Master has told my husband that he would help train him to be a Dom so he could take over and become my new Master, but my husband exploded and said I was to never talk to him again. I am at a loss of what to do because in my husband is still insistent that I donít communicate with my former Master whom is now my best friend who has been there for me through so much and has been my rock as well as a wonderful Master. Even as just myself outside of my Sub side, I am not one to be told what to do especially when it comes to telling me who I can and cannot be friends with but I also donít want to have this continue to be an issue in my marriage. Please, if you have any advice on how I could possibly convince my husband to give the Lifestyle a chance, Iíd greatly appreciate it.
I should tell you that my husband is former military, very much a macho man who is easily jealous and territorial, but he can be very thoughtful, tentative, and caring. My (former) Master is very much the same way. They are almost the same people minus certain traits and qualities. I donít know if Iím up against just ego or pride or what truly. Iím just very frustrated, hurt, and clueless to what I can do to help my husband open his mind more so and give the Lifestyle a chance.

Answer
samantha

I fear for you in this situation.  No person can serve two masters, and it is clear you have made your choice; but like two bulls on a farm neither would relish the others presence. Dominant souls come in two basic flavours, those that share well and those that don't.  It is apparent you have a pair of the latter even if you former master is willing to teach I am sure it is with salt in his wounds that he does so; and it is only because of you and his felling for you not because of any eagerness to help you husband. You husband on the other hand is is equally strong willed and minded but even less giving than your former master.  

The reason I am concerned or fearful is that it appears your husband has been duplicitous in this matter, as he originally committed to learning and the reneged. That is not a situation which endears trust, faith or confidence.  Now his reluctance may well be a factor of whom is offer to help and train him.  You can see if he is willing to try with a master whom was never a apart of your former life and one with whom you have no real contact.  IF he shows some willingness then this may be a way forward.  More importantly there a numerous sites which can advice and help as well as forums like this one, Fetlife, BEST, Leather and Roses or a myriad of others.

If he still unwilling then you sold the farm as well as the pig when you agreed to marry him, and for as long as you can take it you will have to forego the lifestyle to sustain your marriage. Eventually you may decide enough is enough and step out (so to speak).  Be aware that given the intensity you portray in your husband I doubt you will keep it a secret for long.

I wish I could give a more positive answer but I truly believe I have cast this in the light of what is real.  Sorry.

BDSM

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Aramock Nanuck

Expertise

I will answer any questions concern the lifestyle and may annoy a few because I do dive into the history and psychology of this lifestyle in many of my answers. I have a partner a Femdom Mistress who shares my experiences and assets, as I hers. Also belonging to a couple groups in Europa and Asia. Traveling frequently between the continents. We tend to share information and discuss many of the topics frequently. I will focus on the core items around, training and relationship management for those that are interested.

Experience

I have been involved in the lifestyle since being introduced to it by my father at the age of 13. He was a master in the 50's to 80's but predated the popularity of Gor, and was Pharaonic in nature. I owned my own slaves since my early 20's. I have usually been part of a poly household. For about 6 years three of us ran a BDSM club in Prague until it was "acquired" by the Russian "businessmen". I do not hold any moral taboos about this lifestyle and at one time or another have experience or seen everything imaginable. It is in this absence of mrals that principles, protocols and personal honour must determine the worth of an individual. It is their clear and unwavering adherence to these ethics that make for stauncher things than those which some observance by mere lip service to common morals. When men/women of honour lead, then they do so without malice, without negativity and without thought of personal gain. It only then that they truly attain Dominon over others. Therefore in mastery comes a devotion to duty, and the existence, needs and desires of others that exceeds the submission mere slaves give to the Dominant. A Dominant one must lead, govern, educate and enrich the lives of subjects beign ruled... for otherwise they are but a sycophant and a tyrant. Hedonism and narcissism plays no part in this, it is an apparition that forms from acts done at much higher levels of meaning that mere morally bound persons can not see.

Organizations
I belong to a number of local clubs, and a loose association (not formal) of about 25 masters and mistresses here in Western Europe and Asia who share experiences, training and some exchange trade assets.

Publications
I have not published on BDSM under my name, but contribute frequently to forums. I am consolidating my writings slowly on DarkCastleSin.org for any that are interested in reading.

Education/Credentials
Not relevant although I do have a DCS and DT but I am not Christian so have no moral dilemmas with this lifestyle.

Awards and Honors
Not applicable here, come on in our lifestyle these do not exist but should. When was the last time we had public awards for Worlds Darkest Sadist, World's Most Gifted Shibaru Artist, Worlds Most Diligent Mentor, World's Most Gifted Enthusiast,

Past/Present Clients
Not relevant; private consults remain so.

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.