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BDSM/My Master...wasn't really a Master

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I've been in a relationship with my Master for over a year now and was really happy with him, we met on a chat site and even though we were in different countries we had planned to move closer to peashooter in the later years. Everything was perfect until i started noticing the he was becoming more distant and quiet...it really started to worry me so we ended up having a large talk about it and he told me that he wasn't really a Master..he was a submissive like me. At first it was really surprising, but i really love him so i thought "hey we'll work this out" but..i couldn't get over the fact he lied to me for over a year, he said he did it for me...but it still hurt, and i tried to be a Mistress but i couldn't bring myself to do it..and ended up cheating on him with another Master...i feel so horrible about the whole thing..and thankfully, we haven't ended the relationship were just on break...but i don't know if we really should end it or not...i mean..i truly love this man

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Answer
Sarah -

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.  Power-based relationships can be particularly deep and bonded - and painful when things get off-kilter.  It's also clear that you love him - so there's the added dimension of wanting to be with the person even if your original expectations (and needs?) aren't being met.  And as you've experienced, it's difficult being something you're not.

Unfortunately, you're the only person that can answer the question of whether the relationship is sustainable or not.  

As a prelude, you might want to each think about how much the transfer of authority from one to the other is central to how you want a relationship structured and what you need to be happy in a relationship.  With a broader perspective it's possible you'll see there are solutions others than (a) stay together, or (b) split.  Here are some possibilities (which may or may not work for one or both of you):

1.  One or both of you develop secondary relationships to get your submissive needs met - this can meet your needs while maintaining your relationship
2.  Both of you, as a couple, serve the same Master or Mistress - perhaps not easy to find, but I know it exists (and in one instance brought the submissive couple closer together in their shared passion)
3.  Limit your D/s (or BDSM) activities - whether it's Saturday night flogapalooza or a day of the week where one "serves" the other.  It can be consistent, or you can switch
4.  Become a vanilla couple (it doesn't need to feel like being banished to purgatory if being together is more important than D/s).

I wish there were an easy answer - and I hope you find one that works for you.

Ben

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Ben Martin

Expertise

Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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