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Question
I have always liked "kinky and rough" sex. I recently started dating someone who is into BDSM and I have some reservations.

First, he has talked about wanting to role play and I am all for role playing. Except he wants to basically role play raping me. I have been raped and I am afraid if I agree to role play this fantasy of his, I might freak out in the middle of sex and really want him to stop. I am afraid he would take my reactions as just part of the role play and then he wouldn't stop. I don't want to resent him if this ends up happening.

Second, I am into being the dominant one and being a submissive. He won't switch it up. Is this something I should just give up on to make him happy?


Third, I could just use some tips I guess. He wants me to go to workshops and classes with him so I can learn it a little better, but I would rather just figure out what works for us. Would classes be a good idea since I am new to this?

Answer
Danielle -

It seems like you have a lot to sort through.

The first thing I'd suggest is for you to thing about - and talk with him - about what sort of relationship you have and want.  It's not completely clear, but it sounds like he wants a Dominant/submissive relationship.  This relationship structure focuses on the transfer of authority/control from the submissive to the Dominant.  Here are some things to think about:  Is his authority only in the bedroom (or wherever you do kinky activities), or does it exist at other times?  What aspects of your life are you willing to transfer control (decisions about work, family, friends, school, health, etc.)?  Do you feel he has the ability to responsibly makes these decisions on your behalf?  How does his ideal decision making process work (does he first get input from you, or not)?  

To jump to your last question, I don't see it as a choice between either going to classes or workshops or figuring it out on your own.  I would suggest doing both.  And the two of you need to talk a lot about what you hear at those workshops (and as you'll see from my comments below, I think he has a lot to think about as well).

Now on to your question about roleplaying a rape fantasy.  I've done it.  I'm comfortable with the idea.  And I know rape victims that have done it.  It can even be a cathartic way of dealing with the psychological trauma.  However, it isn't something to be considered or pursued lightly.  Everyone is different, but from my perspective this is the sort of "edge play" that should occur only once you have a strong relationship built on a foundation of trust.  He should really know you, know your triggers, and be prepared to deal with the potentially difficult consequences.  And if you do go forward, you should know -- and if he's experienced he should definitely know - that there is a near-universal approach of using "safe words" (usually the word "red") so that the submissive partner can communicate when physical/emotional/psychological harm is about to occur and everything needs to stop.  Immediately.  (In other words, there is no risk of his misinterpreting your response as resistance play and part of the role play).  Finally, remember, there is nothing wrong with a submissive saying that there is an activity that they are unwilling to engage in (this is typically known as a "hard limit.").  if playing out a rape fantasy is one of yours, say it.  

You also expressed an interested in being a "switch" -- enjoying both sides of Dominance and submission.  Again, this is a big issue for you to think about and discuss.  First, give some thought to whether you mean Dominant/submissive (again, that transfer of authority and control), or Topping/bottoming (who is the one doing the kinky activity to whom).  If the issue is really about control, it is difficult to have control swap back and forth within a relationship (but not impossible).  If it's about kinky play - sometimes you'd like to tie him up, for instance - then there are some couples that do this even though one partner is clearly (and always) Dominant and the other submissive.  The other option is for the two of you to agree that you can have another partner (whether casual or serious is one of the discussion points) to pursue your Dominant interests with. And, of course, the other option is to decide that this relationship just isn't right for you.

Again, you have a lot on your plate.  I hope that this helps you sort through some of the issues and chooses you face.  Bottom line:  a relationship is suppose to enrich you and make you happy.  

Ben

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Ben Martin

Expertise

Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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