BDSM/confused

Advertisement


Question
Dear Sir
i have been in a heterosexual M/s relationship for nearly a year ( my first ), we met online and met r/t around 6 months ago and since then have had seven all day training sessions.He is a lot more experienced than me but so far has not used me fully although He is training me for oral use and has used plugs to stretch me anally.

I have respectfully asked Him why, He insists that He does not have any problems, although He has never been fully erect during oral training and states that as a slave i should not have any expectations and that He will use me as He sees fit

This was a few months ago and He has still not progressed the relationship any further.i cannot ask him again but was wondering if this was normal in a M/s relationship

i would be grateful for any advice

Answer
Hi, Joanne, thanks for writing...

There is no "normal"  in any relationship whether it is vanilla or kinky. You are just to folks trying to get through life the best you can and you have discovered the value in relating in an authority based relationship.

I'm 68.  I also write books on sexuality.  From  lots of conversations with lots of experienced women,  I am coming to believe that most men are lousy in bed and have various kinds of hangups, mostly psychologically-based.   The fact that he will not speak openly to you is much more serious than any possible erectile dysfunction that he may have.  Before someone can master another he or she must first master themselves. Part of self-mastery includes the ability to communicate clearly to others not only your needs and wants but also your emotions.

If he has established a relationship with you where you do whatever he wants and are not permitted to ask questions about his orders or instructions, then it seems to me that you either stay with such a relationship or you find a master who is more communicative and open. If sexual intercourse is a major aspect of a relationship for you and he is not willing to give you sexual intercourse, then you're probably with the wrong partner.

I generally list three rules of an MS relationship:
1)  don't hurt your partner
2)  communicate openly and fully
3)  be sure your both having fun

You and he may wish to read my book:  "Master/slave Relations:  handbook of theory and practice".   it might help you get on the same page.

So far as communications are concerned,  I would refer you to my third book on master slave relations: "Master slave relations: communications 401 – – the advanced course".   That book will give you many strategies for speaking with him.

I wish you the very best with him and with your relationship and hope it turns out well.

In leather heart and spirit,

Bob

BDSM

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Robert Rubel (Dr. Bob)

Expertise

Anything related to BDSM or Master/slave relationships or activities.

Experience

See: www.KinkMastery.com I live 24/7 Master/slave lifestyle and have since 2002 both as Master and slave. My Owner and I present and do "weekend intensives" internationally and at BDSM conferences practically every month.

Organizations
Masters And slaves Together (MAsT) National Leather Association - International (NLA-I) National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF)

Publications
+++ BDSM Mastery—Basics: your guide to play, parties, and scene protocols. +++ BDSM Mastery—Relationships: a guide for creating mindful relationships for Dominants and submissives +++ Master/slave Mastery: Updated handbook of concepts, approaches, and practices +++ Master/slave Mastery--Advanced: Refining the fire; ideas that matter +++ Master/slave Mastery--Protocols: Focusing the intent of your relationship +++ Is THAT What They Meant? A book of practical communication insights

Education/Credentials
PhD, Urban Education Policy Studies with a minor in criminology, U of Wisconsin, Madison. EdM, Boston University with specialty in urban education Presented 80+ BDSM weekend conferences worldwide since 2007.

Awards and Honors
Pantheon of Leather Community Choice - Man, 2008

Past/Present Clients
Not applicable.

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.