BDSM/Confused/Looking to Rectify With My Dom
QUESTION: I was in a D/s relationship with a man on my college campus until this past weekend (12/1/12). He is 26 and I am 19. I broke up with him with a text message, which was inconsiderate and disrespectful of me. On Monday, I see him on campus and he acts like I don't even exist for him. This shocked me and it made me realize the stupid thing I had done. In the text message I sent to him, I told him I didn't want the D/s relationship anymore, that there was someone else I wanted to date, but I still hoped he would be my friend and mentor (school wise). He never responded, and this upset and scared me over the weekend. I have been with my new boyfriend almost every day this week, but I find myself wishing I were still in my D/s relationship. I am not ready for a committed relationship, and my new boyfriend is going the full 100 yards +, and I feel overwhelmed and sad, because I miss the power control my Dom had over me. Things seem out of balance to me.
I've known my Dom since the end of September, as he was in one of my classes. We ended up drinking together in either the first or second week of October. I found out he was also into BDSM and further, was making clear passes at me, telling me he wanted to figure out how to usurp my current Dom, who got me into the lifestyle and who had been my Dom since September.
My first Dom wasn't working out at the time, treating me more like a sex slave than a sub, and there were many signs that the relationship wasn't working out, especially because he was the boyfriend of my roommate, and I was jealous around the two of them.
My current Dom (the one I broke up with) talked to me for six weeks straight, repeatedly telling me how he could help me and how he was the better Dom. He was going to help me realize my full potential in school so that I would learn self-management and other important skills so that I could eventually succeed on my own. He had experience with other subs in the past and his offer appealed to me, but I was hesitant because I was afraid of crossing into new territory with him by becoming his sub.
I finally became his sub three weeks ago, and in one night he was able to positively help me, more so than my first Dom had. About the same time, my boyfriend (friend at the time) started showing large amounts of interest in me and said he wanted to "hang out". I did, finding him an interesting guy with a lot in common with me. Last week, he took me over to his house to make me dinner and watch a movie, and it was sweet. I was hesitant again, especially when he got embarrassed when his mom invited me over for Christmas and he didn't want me to interpret that as us dating. We ended the night making out and I also had sex with him a few nights later. Around this time, I had been feeling emotionally deprived from my Dom, and I had missed him over break but hadn't really seen him much. I selfishly used my friend to gain some emotional fulfillment. My boyfriend also knew I was in a relationship at the time and said he was "fighting" for me, especially when he sensed I was having doubts about my Dom.
I never should have allowed myself to go hang out with him at any time. I owed loyalty to my Dom, who did not want me with anyone else except him, because he knew I wasn't emotionally stable nor was I balanced as a person to be in a good balanced relationship like the one my boyfriend expects of me.
I talked to my best friend over the weekend. She has little to no understanding of the BDSM lifestyle so couldn't see where I was coming from when I was asking her advice about choosing between my Dom and my boyfriend. She thought the relationship with my Dom didn't count as an actual relationship and suggested I call him, but I decided to text. I was afraid to talk to him, to hear his voice and tell him what was going on. That was the worst mistake I made. The relationship I had with my Dom was just beginning to bloom a bit too. He was more open and playful with me, even flirtatious, which isn't something I expected from him when I first started to know him.
I can't stop thinking about my Dom now. I want him back, and I want to be with him. He and I mainly had a mental relationship. He told me he didn't want emotions getting in the way of helping me out mentally. His main goal was helping me reach my full potential as a person, while also helping me out as a sub.
My boyfriend right now loves spending time with me, is very very affectionate with me, and already has bought me a microwave as a Christmas gift. He says I'm his girl and wants to treat me well, but I feel like it's kind of becoming too much at once. He wants me to be more open with him and keeps asking me questions like "You are happy right?" and "You like that right?" as if constantly having to reassure himself. He says I will make him the best man he can be, and he wants to help me be a better person too. When we cuddle, he has to be pressing himself into me constantly, kisses me every minute it seems, and isn't really happy unless I'm around. He's constantly wanting to see me and gets anxious when I don't answer his texts right away, and his mind immediately jumps to the conclusion I'm cheating on him, though I've explained to him that's not the case. He's a sweetheart and says he adores me, but I don't feel the same way. I feel like I'm wearing a mask around him. I'm not comfortable with him touching me all the time, and I feel bad whenever I am thinking about my Dom and he's also in the room. He says he's kinky and wants to help me in school. I don't think he understands BDSM the way I do, and he's been more of a distraction that a help. He gets along well with all my friends and wants me to meet his family, as well as meet mine soon. I feel as if I rushed into the decision to go into a relationship with him prematurely. I'm also not committing myself to our relationship as much as I did initially in the first few days. I want to be with my Dom, but he won't talk to me, is probably pissed off and hurt by what I have done. My text probably showed him that I thought nothing of our relationship, and that isn't right. I want to rectify the situation with him, but at the same time have found myself in a tangled web of my own making. I made the decision to date in a vanilla relationship, but I am regretting the decision, and this isn't fair to my boyfriend. I don't want to tell him how I feel because then he won't "feel like my man" and this makes him feel terrible, especially since he's been through so much heartache in the past.
Is there a way to win my Dom back? Do I have a chance to win him back? Should I continue dating my boyfriend even though my heart isn't into it? Should I put my heart into my relationship and work on it? Or should I withdraw from all relationships in general right now? Am I even fit to be in any relationship right now?
Thank you for listening and helping me.
ANSWER: Well sad to say but that is all so confusing. Well I think you need to apologize to the Dom for the way you treated him as well the disrespect you showed to him.
I most agree from all you wrote I get your 19 but I think you need to stop and spend some time on your own in no relationship and start writing a journal where you can see into your own head and find yourself and see what it is that it is that you want in an relationship.
Well if you are 19 may I ask how old you where when you started into the lifestyle? As to be on the second Dom you do not seem to even be giving yourself time to heal from one relationship to the next. You will never be in a good emotional state if you do not heal from one relationship to the next one.
Well I hope that I have helped you if only a little bit. If I can do more please let me know.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: I was nineteen when I entered the lifestyle. I technically entered it three months ago, and before that, my ex boyfriend from the summer was training me to be his submissive without my knowledge. During those three months, I was still seeing my ex boyfriend while still being with my first Dom. I broke it off briefly with my first Dom mid-October for a brief vanilla relationship, but it didn't work out, so I went back to my first Dom. I stopped seeing my ex-boyfriend at the end of October, and by late November, I was in a new Dom relationship because of problems with my first Dom.
I found out yesterday from a mutual friend of my Dom and I that my Dom has been pissed off and ignoring everyone for the past two weeks. I think he's pissed off with me, but my friend has told me that he is manipulative and has a girlfriend of two years who knows what he's up to. My friend said my Dom is the kind of person that would throw someone away without a moment's notice if they didn't need them anymore, and he wouldn't care. I was manipulated into giving my Dom what he wanted- sex. However, in light of this, it doesn't really impact me that much. Yes, my Dom is manipulative, but he was manipulating me in such a way that he was helping me. He was trying to help me help myself. There was nothing negative about it. And even though he has a girlfriend back home, I was in a similar situation with my first Dom, only his girlfriend was my roommate, so it hurt a lot more for me to be with him. When I was with my current Dom, I didn't have that. He helped me focus on what I needed to do, and I found being in his room relaxing, a haven. We had a mutually beneficial relationship between us.
I want to enter this relationship again with him. Is this a good choice of action on my part?
I haven't discounted your other advice either. I know it probably would be better to be alone to figure myself out, to write in a journal and give myself time. Thing is, I think my Dom could help me heal, and grow stronger. He was doing it before, and our first night made a strong impact on me and the way I saw myself. It was positive though.
Given time, I'm hoping he'll take me back.
I hope that it all works out for you. I know your young and I am old, I have lived the course of the lifestyle for more years then you have been alive.in all that is scary to even think of.
You have to live and learn from your actions. Please just take it slow and move slowly in your relationships as well. I do wish you all the best of luck.