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BDSM/My Dom, why he just stop talking

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Question
I, I am new to the Dom/sub lifestyle...I thought I had found a good guy who is a Dom and has been for 18 yrs.  He does live a ways off from me.  The thing is that it has been hard on me as a newbie.  He was great at first in teaching me. Yes, we do have to text and we both work..but over the last ew days he has been short and just want talk.  I was wondering if I have done anything to fail him?  I have done everything asked of me and somethings I would normaly not do.  I do not want to disappoint my Dom..I like being with him and talking to him...and I wonder if the feeling I have of wanting the control by him to be constant in my life..is it wrong to want this?  I am lost and confused to the point I just want to walk away from him. Please help me to understand why and whats going on with my Dom...

Answer
Kat -

Any relationship can be difficult to figure out in the initial stages.  Even more so when the relationship is intentionally non egalitarian.  

But just because it is an unequal relationship doesn't mean that you aren't entitled to your own needs, wants and desires.  If you want a relationship where the power dynamic is a constant, then look for a partner that wants the same thing - and let the person know that during your negotiations.

Now that doesn't necessarily mean he isn't the right person for you.  Sure, it's possible that he wants something different, or that he's run out of energy or interest.  But it's also possible that he's been less available because there are other demands in his life that are taking precedence, he's not feeling well, or who knows what else.

So how do you find out what it is?  Ask him.  Not in a "how come you haven't..." sort of way which risks undermining your power dynamic.  Instead, try something like "I've noticed that the last few days you seem distracted.  I wanted to see if you felt like talking about what's going on to see if there's anything I can do to help you out and better support you and our relationship."

Realize that any new relationship will experience some ups and downs.  You're both trying to figure out how you feel, where you stand, and where you want things to go.  Add in the distance and it can be a real challenge.  But, from my perspective, having an impulse to "walk" at the first bump in the round isn't going to build confidence, a healthy relationship, or support the power dynamic.

Whether you decide to work on this relationship or determine that your futures lies better in another situation, I encourage you to learn from the experience and wish you the best.

Ben

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Ben Martin

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Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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