BDSM/Insecure

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Question
I'm having a problem... I have too Subs and there not really getting along there's a age difference... The one I've been with for thee years now she's a bit insecure of herself and  the younger wife I believe I've done everything I could do and say to insure her that I love her just as much as I did when we first started this life style... Please tell me what can I do so that we can go on and enjoy our family...

Answer
LordHova -

Polyamory is a great concept that is difficult to put in place.  Sometimes, even our best efforts can't make it work.


First, I'd sit them both down together and let them know:  (1) you have chosen to have a polyamory family and that's none negotiable.  The parties may change if it can't work, but you aren't changing; (2) you see that there is conflict and problems right now and you will be taking steps to address them - but you need both girls to work with you; (3) you need them to work things out.

The initial talk is intended to both lay down the law and clear the air.  Don't do it if you don't mean it, but one approach to make them feel in it together by being clear that if it doesn't work, you're dismissing both of them.

Of course one talk isn't going to change things.  Here are some suggestions for you to consider:

1.  Have a schedule - where each knows when you will be with them - and when with the other.
2.  Don't tolerate maniulative actions designed to alter the schedule (Oh, Sir I have this big problem can't you take care of me???)
3.  Have regular family meetings where each person gets to speak and share issues.  You run the discussion.  You can change speech patterns to require respect.  You can table issues if the discussion isn't going well.  You can decide how a conflict will be resolved
4.  Avoid playing favorites (unless you've established that one is the alpha)
5.  Follow your words with actions

One additional thing I would suggest:  don't add anyone else to the house until you get the current situation in order. Too often I see Dominants add another to try and fix things, when it only makes it less stable.

All the best,

Ben

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Ben Martin

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Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

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Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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