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BDSM/My master confuses me!!

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QUESTION: My male master scares me by saying if I don't do something the way he wants it hes going to tie me up and force me to watch him have sex with another woman. And I love my master too much to leave him. I don't know why he says that it makes me wonder if I'm not pleasing him right. I don't know if hes doing it freak me out or telling the truth. When I ask him he says "slave what do you think" and he says it angry.
I'm so confused I need help
Demeta

ANSWER: I'm sorry to hear you're struggling.  Unfortunately, no one but he knows precisely what he means.  It's even more difficult because you don't provide a context for these comments.  Is he angry?  Is he disappointed at something you've done?  Is he in the middle of fucking or beating you?  Is it while his favorite football team is losing?  I can't tell you precisely why he's doing this or what it means -- but there are different possibilities:

*  He might be trying to show you the imbalance of the relationship and the extent to which he owns you by showing he can force you to witness something imaginable to you.

*  He might be trying to stop you from pushing him on something he finds annoying -- essentially saying "if you don't stop now, things will get worse."

*  He might find the idea of forcing you to watch him with another woman really hot, and he's trying to prepare you and see your reaction.

*  He might be being playful, and showing you what he can -- but won't -- do in order to get a rise out of you.

There's only one way to know the real answer.  Ask him.  I know you did and that his response was cryptic.  Instead of asking right after he says, find a time when he seems relaxed and happy.  Let him know that his words confused you, and that you'd like him to explain more for you.  If it turns out it is something he really does intend to do, AND it's something that is truly a deal breaker for you, then you have an obligation to share that information with him (if you don't and he does it, you're left with the horrible choices of either sticking it out in an unacceptable situation or shocking him by leaving when he had no clue that would be your reaction).  Knowing how you feel, enables him to decide to either comfort you, make clear his intentions and why, or determine some other change in the relationship is needed.  Even if it's an undesirable outcome (from your perspective), better to know that now.

Sometimes being a slave isn't easy.  But it can be those moments- when they're handled well --  that best affirm the dynamic.  I hope that this becomes one of those moments for you.   

Hope things turn out well for you,

Ben

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Its usually  during beatings when ive done something bad.
I think hes wanting me to stop or it will get worse but hes very cryptic with everything he says or does.
Which I love just not the threatening of being with another woman will I watch.
I just don't know how to tell him I don't don't like it.
Because sometimes I get punished for saying things he doesn't like to hear.
We have a 24/7 m/s relationship.
what are some ways I can tell him I don't like it without hurting his feelings?

Answer
It does seem like something you need to talk to him about. It's also important to do it in a way that respect your M/s relationship.

I'd suggest you first ask him if there's a good time for the two of you to sit down and talk.  Once you do talk, tell him how you feel.  Not in an accusatory way.  Rather, let him know that you want to always be his slave and to serve him well.  Let him know that when he talks about forcing you to watch him with another woman it confuses you - that you're not sure if it's something he really intends or a way of training, punishing, or mindfucking you.  Finally, if it's really a hard limit for you - that you couldn't continue in a relationship if he intends to be with someone else as well, then you need to tell him this as well.

What he does with the information is his choice.  Know that, respect that, and make sure he is aware that you know that.  But personally I feel being a good manager (e.g., Master) works best when all the relevant information is presented.

Ideally the two of you would have had the discussion about additional partners when you were first negotiating your M/s relationship.  It sounds like that didn't happen.  But you can - and should - have that discussion now.  If you don't, you're likely to get more worried, more anxious, and potentially resentful.

All the best,

Ben

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Ben Martin

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Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

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Black Rose

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My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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