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BDSM/Is it possible to go from Vanilla to Mint chocolate chip?

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Question
I have a long held interest for Dom/sub interaction.  I was exposed to it by reading a BDSM themed romance when I was in my early teens.  I found it intriguing and did a lot of research.

My husband the one and only sexual partner I've had, has flat told me that BDSM holds no interest for him.  I find it strange because he has a very dominant, alpha male personality, but when I think to suggest something he basically shuts me down.  

We are usually very open about talking about positions that we like and have a very good sex life but...a little bit of Dom/sub play has always held a sort of fascination for me...What can I do? anything?

Answer
Alicia --

Yours is not an uncommon situation:  one person in an existing relationship realizes that they are kinky; the other isn't interested.  

The first thing I suggest you do is decide how important this is to you.  If it isn't that important, then remember that and stop being frustrated if he doesn't share your interest.  If it is important to you, then are a variety of choices.  You could:  try and bring him along; see if he would be open to your having a secondary relationship to explore BDSM (you would both need to agree to parameters - which could include that it be non-sexual); you could explore BDSM without his knowledge; you could leave him.  I realize your desire is to include him in this interest, but I'm raising the options so you see what choices you have.

The next step is for you to have a sense of what it is you're looking for.  BDSM includes a lot of interests and variety.  For some it is about kinky activities (which, again, can be sexual or non-sexual).  For others, it is about the relationship dynamic.  And each of these broad categories includes an almost infinite variety of sub-interests.  The more clearly you can explain to him what you want, the more informed the conversation will be.

You noted that he evokes Dominance and is an Alpha-male type.  Has he shared with you what it is about BDSM that he finds off-putting?  For some it is the conflict with societal teachings about not hitting someone.  Or he might be uncomfortable with a non-egalitarian relationship.  Or he might find it "dirty".  Or be considered that it is humiliating to you.  Again, the only way to have a clear and fruitful conversation is to create an open dialogue in which he feels comfortable sharing his concerns.

By understanding what his concern is, you'll be better able to discuss and explore it.  For instance, if it a concern about hitting someone he loves, then you can help him see that there is a difference when it is consensual and something that you take pleasure in.  If the two of you are able to get over your mental hurdle, there are a variety of resources:  books that cover a variety of "techniques" and relationship dynamics; websites that provide a "community" to discuss with like-minded people; and local events that provide social opportunities, workshops, classes for hands-on training, and even public play events.

But I'd encourage you to remember that it also might be that BDSM simply doesn't hold the same appeal for him as it does for you.  Given his hesitancy and that possibility, the conversation will go best if you approach it in a nonjudgmental, open-minded way.

I hope things turn out well for you both,

Ben

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Ben Martin

Expertise

Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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