BDSM/Things are going stale....
When i first met my Master, He was very well-adjusted, strict, and demanding. Over the last month or so (Ive lived with Him 3 months, known Him for a year), it seems that He has been loosing His touch... He used to instruct me to complete a list of chores throughout the day while He was at work. And of course, discipline if the chores were not completed, or not up to His expectations and my potential. But this is not the problem...
He stopped instructing. He stopped disciplining. It seems we both have gotten lazy. And i can't shake the feeling that we are falling into the "equal relationship" role, by means of not attending to our places in the Master/Slave relationship.
i've respectfully confronted Him once, and He asks "Are you happy this way (being in a master/slave relationship)?" And i say "Yes, are You happy this way?" and He says yes, but doesn't command, discipline, or anything of that nature in the following days.
Is there something i can do to stimulate this missing asset to our relationship? Do something that i know that i would get disciplined for and see if it sparks it up again?
i'm not sure what to think or do, as this relationship and culture is not talked about, so it's impossible to seek relationship help to people who do not understand or accept... Please help
We had prepared a long answer to you two days ago and evidently it disappeared into thin air. Sorry!
When couples first come together, something called "new relationship energy" springs into being. The girl cannot imagine a better Prince Charming; the boy cannot imagine a better Sleeping Beauty. It's what makes each person see stars. It lasts about three months. Jay Wiseman, author of SM-101, call it the "Three-month Crazies".
Once the time expires, the couple realizes that they are now in it for the long haul; attitudes can change.
Look at what you have written to me. In the beginning he was the strict Master and you were the obedient slave. You explained that it took a lot of work. He had to make the lists you had to do the work. He would check your work once he returned home from my day of his own work. Over time he stopped making the lists and you are unhappy.
What you have written takes a lot of work to sustain. You both must decide to put that kind of work into your relationship.
But me introduce you to another theme. When someone says the word mommy you know what it means, everyone knows what it means. When you use the word husband, you know what it means, everyone knows what it means. When you say girlfriend, you know what it means, everyone knows what it means. But when you say "Master" or "slave," no one quite knows what that means. This is because words like mommy, daddy, warrior, scholar, are all archetypes. If you are in a "boyfriend/girlfriend relationship" you would know how to act and he would know how to act. But you are not. He is wondering; you are reacting.
I written few things that you may wish to consider.
First, decide whether you really want to stay with him. To determine that, some questions:
You both have to "work" these questions, so although some are worded as questions you would ask him, you must also read them as questions he would ask you. By the way, this is the conversation at the fork in the road. If you are truly honest with yourself, the answers to these questions will tell you whether or not you should remain with him.
1) What his fantasy is both of being a Master and of owning a slave: what do you add to his life? For example, does he see you as a service slave, as a domestic servant slave, as a sex slave, as a courtesan on slave? Perhaps he sees you as his personal assistant... You guys have have to address the kind of slave that lives in his fantasy and the kind of master that lives in your fantasy.
2) It does not sound to me as though the two of you have much background in master/slave theory. I do not mean to sound self-serving but you would benefit from reading the first three books in this group. yes, these are all my books and you can look them up on Amazon by doing a search on my name: "Robert J Rubel"
Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice
Protocols; Handbook for the female slave
Master/slave Relations: Communications 401 — The Advanced Course
Master/slave Relations: Solutions 402 — Living in Harmony
I will make you another offer: if you send me an email to PowerExchangeEditor@yahoo.com and put "resources sheet" in the subject line, I will send you a page or two of reading lists and Internet sites.
3) I strongly urge you to do some Internet research on something called "talking sticks". Native Americans developed a system of using a talking stick to take emotion out of tense discussions. The key to using talking sticks is that when one person says something the other person must repeat correctly and get confirmation from the first person that they have been understood. I also suggest that before this conversation, before you start using talking sticks, that you ask him for permission to have a discussion as equals not in master slave structure.
4) I am concerned that you withheld information from him. You told him that you did not have any problem with the relationship the way it is now when in fact you are not happy with the relationship the way it is now. Two points: first, you have an obligation as a slave to inform your master of all psychological concerns that you might have that affect him. Your unhappiness certainly affects him. Second, by not telling him you ensure that he doesn't change.
5) I urge you not to mix "being a brat" with "being a slave". at the most blunt level of concept: if slave purposely messes up, it is willful. Willful disobedience would be a violation of your core pledge "to serve and to obey." It would be grounds for dismissal. Now, I recognize that every relationship is different and that your Master may like to have a bratty slave. As I am rather traditionally Leather in my approach to M/s relations, I cannot do more than tell you that in my experience, "brattiness" seldom mixes well with Master/slave relationships.
6) If you are not familiar with Fetife.com, I would urge you to explore it. It's free. If you do join, I am: Dr_Bob. Feel free to send me a friend request. Once you are a member, you might want to go to some of the master/slave groups and join them. You can ask lots of questions there and get a wide range of answers.
I think you have enough to think about; I apologize that the first response did not save.
If you are further questions feel free to write back.
In Leather Heart and Spirit,