BDSM/Control from afar
QUESTION: Dear Miss-L:
I wrote earlier this year concerning a non-sexual D/s relationship I was having/had with two women. (Only slightly overlapping.) Your advice has allowed me to explore this previous dormant part of myself. (So thank you.) I was hoping I could ask you to consider a question of mine once more.
I (very) recently started instructing a new woman. Like my previous girls, I know her from the city I used to live in. Unlike my previous girls, our new dynamic did not begin until I had moved, so I trying to instruct from afar.
We do daily check-ins where she let's me know when time she got to bed the night previous, if she did her exercise, and if she's completed her tasks for the day. If she excelled (got to bed early, for instance) I give her leeway the next night. If she fell short, I tighten up. Once a week, we evaluate her progress thoroughly. After two months, we're going to decide whether we want to continue. I had a few questions about this arrangement:
1. Other than the loosening and tightening of her obligations, I have limited recourse if I want to punish or reward her. I was curious if you had any advice about what I could do remotely. I trust her to carry out my instructions, be they positive or negative. (Are gifts are option?)
2. I make occasional trips back to my old city, so it is possible to deliver physical punishments and rewards. Since these trips would be hard to schedule for, is this advisable?
3. In addition to this woman, I have a girlfriend I am committed to and someone casual I see periodically, so I am somewhat inclined to limit my sexual interactions with this woman. On the other hand, sex can communicate power very effectively. How would you go about deciding how to approach this?
One more thing: Unlike the other girls, this new woman is aware of her inclinations (and mine) toward BDSM. Neither of us has mentioned the D/s nature of our interaction. (We've used the term "encouragement".) Is it worthwhile addressing this head-on, or should I enjoy what is unspoken.
Thanks again. Hope all is well.
ANSWER: Hello again Brian,
Always excited to read your questions and see what new mischief you are up to.
I commend you for taking on dominating from a distance. Not everyone can pull it off and it's hard to gauge if the dynamic is really working but it seems as if this is something you excel in.
As for ways to enforce or reward your submissive from long distance I can think of few things.
When she is good...
Some dominants (myself included) like to restrict their subs sexual release for a certain period of time. I've found this heightens the awareness and attentiveness of my subs. The promise of orgasm is a great motivator. I'm not sure how that would fit in with your power exchange relationship with the new girl but you could use this as a reward when she is being particularly good. Even if she's not comfortable (or it's not an option) to be present on the phone while she does it, you can instruct her when and where she is to do this, and you can even dictate what she is to think about. Believe it or not, this is one heck of a mind trick.
Have her write out a fantasy that involves the two of you. Not only will this make her think of you in a sexual manner, it will also give you a glimpse into some of the things she is into.
Give her praise and/or buy her a small gift (something less than $10) to show she is appreciated. I gave my sub $2 in his PayPal each time he did something I really enjoyed and then I let him buy a sexy gift for us both when I allowed.
When she is bad...
Make her take a naughty picture while at work (or in a public place) and send you the results. Give her a reasonable time limit to comply
Command that she wear something unusual, or forgo wearing something she usually wears one day. A day without panties or a bra leaves one feeling vulnerable and is a constant reminder of who is in control.
Take away your time from her. I know that when my subs are bad they want to make it up to me and they don't want to disappoint me. Taking away the privilege of speaking with me is very hard for them to do. If she's bad tell her she cannot have contact with you for 24 or more hours. Stick to it strictly even if she messages you.
You might also discuss the use of chastity devices with her if you think she would be open to the idea.
Have her write lines for you, scan, and then email the finished product to you.
Make her wear a collar on web cam for you
I think when you make trips back it is certainly a good time to use that opportunity for some real time punishment or rewarding depending on the occasion. It can be something that she anticipates either way.
I think the key here is consistency. If you punish her once for something make sure to make a note of that infraction. Don't let her commit the same mistake twice without re-iterating the importance of her continued obedience and a possibly harsher punishment for the same act.
I agree that sex can be a power conductor but if you don't want to then don't force yourself. You can also do things along the sexual lines without having to actually have sex; watch her masturbate, use a vibrator on her, make her masturbate you, etc. All these things can be done without any insertion but still show that you are in control.
If she doesn't want to say BDSM and you don't mind it then I wouldn't press the issue. I'm a stickler for making sure everyone is on the same page so I would want to know if that's what she considers this---but do this at your own risk.
You might also find the content of "Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns" over at Amazon a good read:
I hope this was helpful. I don't personally practice long distance D/s all that often but when I do these are some of the tactics I've enjoyed.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Dear Miss L,
Thank you again for your advice. I decided to continue dominating from a distance but - after a fairly successful five month run - we mutually decided to end our relationship (in that incarnation). We had differing ideas on the importance of punishment, the role of physicality, and conflicting schedules. It was an enriching experience but I will not be trying that again - at least not for the foreseeable future.
My relationship with my girlfriend has never been better and we are beginning to find our footing with polyamory. My question is about a burgeoning D/s dynamic.
While we have frequency use power play during sex, the dynamic has never expanded outside the bedroom. On a recent vacation, however, we went to a dungeon. She mentioned afterward that she'd like to visit one near home. Specifically, that she wanted me to spank her at the club. She said she enjoyed the thought of sharing that sexual experience with others. A few questions stem from this:
1. Spankings lose some of their appeal - to me - if there's no reason for them. I believe it builds a tension that is incomparable to what I experience during play alone. I believe my girlfriend feels the same way. Given that we are starting from fairly equal footing, what sort of infractions should she be disciplined for? For example, requiring her to address me as "Sir" may (initially) be a bit much. (Also worth noting: we currently share an apartment with a friend, so any day-to-day interactions must also respect the friend's space.)
2. A question on dungeon etiquette: is it okay to allow others to watch but not participate? I would like to explore this space more before I allow that.
3. How do I know if she wants a more ubiquitous submission, or if there is where she is comfortable?
I eagerly await your response.
I greatly apologize for the delay in a response. I was on vacation this month.
Congrats on seeing the previous D/s experimentation through and I'm glad you took something away from it. I'm equally glad to hear that you and your gf are exploring together more.
I tend to agree that I like to have reason to dole out spankings, however this is hard to adhere to when I'm at a play party or dungeon. My easiest work around is asking my sub questions I know they can't answer correctly and "spanking" as correction.
For day-to-day dealings I would start with something small: she has to pick out your tie each morning, or have your place set at the kitchen table for breakfast, or have a shower running when you get up, or have your toothbrush ready with paste. Even something that involves her personal reflection more might be good: have her wake up 10-15 minutes early everyday for a week and write a sticky note to you (pick the subject---I always have them write one sexual position they want to try later that week or evening). Since you're just starting out you want to ease her into these rules not just throw them at her. Find things you think you would like done that require some conscience effort and go from there.
At the dungeon it is perfectly acceptable to allow others to watch and not participate and that generally is what goes on. Usually (but not always) people understand the personal boundaries at a dungeon and ask permission before approaching you and certainly wouldn't dream of joining your scene without getting your ok first. I use to only play in the back corner of dungeons for more privacy but now I don't mind being front and center.
If you don't want to break the dynamic you have going by asking her outright if she wants more submissive tasks, have her keep a journal for a week about her experience with the D/s dynamic. Take her words and go from there.
Hope you're able to ascertain what you need.