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I think might have stumbled into a possible BDSM relationship but I'm not sure if it really is one and above all if he is aware of this :) this is my first relationship of this kind and I'm just starting discovering this world and I don't have any friend with similar experience to talk with, so I already apologize for how long this message will be :)

I'm a 30 years old woman, I have always enjoyed a good, healthy and fun sex life since very young age, in both one night stands as well as long relationships, never felt guilty or ashamed of any of my impulses and desires. I have always loved the idea of being tied up or in general taken with some force, some of the men I had tried something like that but never went further than a little kinky vanilla sex. In the latest months my fantasies had become more and more specific and submissive if you will, as well as my internet porn searches :D , I guess probably because I just got out of a romantic relationship in which the guy didn't know a thing about how to touch me or what to do to me. Now that I had this maybe-BDSM experience and read a little about BDSM, I realized it had to do with my sexuality at least as much as with my mind and my eternal desire for pushing my limits and boundaries, for knowing and exploring myself and my psyche and for more experience and more intensity in everything. I'm a very emancipated and independent woman, with a brilliant scientific academic career and a very strong personality and it is all my life that I am looking for a man who can stand up to me, without success.. so OF COURSE what I like and always liked in bed is to be dominated...

So, I met this guy one evening in a club through common friends and we immediately hit it off. I noticed already that night that he had lots of girls hitting on him and that he was the kind of man who knows what he is doing with girls, but I didn't mind since I am not looking for a long term relationship. We had sex that night at my place and it was kind of rough and "forced" but nothing much more than other vanilla sex I had before. I liked it a lot. He slept with me, we even slept hugging,and we had sex the next morning as well. We had dinner the day after and no sex and then I left, since I live and work 1000 km away and come back to my hometown (where he lives) every 1-2 months to visit my family. After I left, I wrote to him a short message saying how I am not looking for a relationship right now but that he was fun and interesting and that I'd like to see him some other time when I would be back in town. He answered very nicely that I was fun and interesting too and that meeting again would have been natural and that for honesty he wanted me to know that anyway he was seeing other people. I'm am seeing other people as well, so it was the perfect answer. I come back to my hometown 15 days later because of Christmas and after couple of days he calls me and we meet for a beer. We quickly end up at my place to have sex again and this time he goes a little further: he is more brute, he spanks me, he gags me with his hand and puts his fingers into my mouth, he slightly suffocates me pressing my throat...but a very specific part of my throat, I noticed that, a part for which I can not really run out of breathe...all of this I loved,including the bruises he left on my skin, I kept touching them for days to remind me that sensation with the pain...I told him :) he slept at my place again. We met other two times by chances in the next days and he was always nice,attentive and affectionate even if we never kissed or anything. Then he calls me to ask what I am doing for New Year Eve and, after dinner in different places, we end up spending the night together me and him alone in a club dancing till 9 am and them back at my place. And that was the night (or better the morning :D ) we crossed the line of vanilla sex into something more...or at least this is my feeling and this is why I am here asking for explanation from more experienced people :) and I apologize for all the maybe stupid details, but I think I need to explain everything to understand what it really was...so, he tied my hand with my handcuffs (yes, mine :) ) and my thighs with his belt, and start fucking me from behind while he kept gagging me with his fingers or suffocating me and he spanked me hard, oh so much hard, and not only on my back but on my face....but all the time he kept asking me:" yes? yes or no? you like it? you like this good girl? " ....of course in a sexy and rough voice, but I mean he really seemed attentive to my reactions....of course I was saying yes I like it :) and of course I was moving with pleasure and other sensation, but the only time I moved for discomfort, just because my back had started a little to ache in that position, he immediately took his fingers out of my mouth and with a soft voice told me to breath and be calm that everything was fine...and then slowly, very slowly, continuing reassuring me that I was good, oh I was such a good girl, that he was going slow, that it won't hurt and so on, he took my ass...for real real, he really fucked me hard in my ass :) was my first time that way, at all, not because I had ever disliked the idea, but just because it has always hurt for me even taking it inside a little and nobody had ever known how to really do it to me as he did. In the "heat" of the moment, while we were fucking, I asked him how did he know that I liked to be treated like that (not inquisitory question :D it was all part of the arousal and excitation I mean...), I mean I met this guy 3 times and he knew and boyfriends of years never got it...he told me that he could just see it in me, he could read it on my face, that that was nothing but just another kind of drug (we both do recreational drugs every now and then and smoke lot of weed, this is part of my pushing limits and exploring myself but it is argument for different forums :D ). So the question is: how could he read it on my face??? does something like this really show??? or is because he knew what he was doing that he could read it in me? He asked me if anybody had ever fucked me in that way and I said that nobody ever fucked me like him...and when I asked him if he fucks every woman like that, he answered :"I am like this. I am bad." .......OH MY FUCKING GOD I could have died in that moment, that was the most erotic thing I ever heard in my life, if I think about it I still hear him and I melt inside and get wet.........for me it was exquisite to hear that in that heated moment, but is actually something bad? I don't think so and it did not and does not feel so to me, but I am new to this so I don't know...  I didn't come that night but it was not and is not the point AT ALL: at some point I just kind of drifted into trance, while he was fucking me hard and spanking me even harder on my face ( I have NEVER ever been beaten, not even a slapped, as a child...), I was feeling the pain but not really feeling it, I was asking for more and more and pain and pleasure and the feeling of complete helplessness and submission to this man mixed up in a way I never experienced before....I mean, I very often enter in trance-like states when I come while having sex, I know them and what they make me feel and it is always the rush of the orgasm and those seconds, while this was a persistent feeling and sensation which lasted a while, hours, also after he came and we stopped.....so my questions are: was this really some BDSM or just kinky vanilla sex? and, above all, this trance state, did I experienced what is called the subspace or just very good sex?

after he came on my back, he leaned on me, hugged, kissed me, caressed my cheek which had started swelling :D all of this while I was still under trance and incapable of moving or thinking or doing anything...he was very nice and caring and then he felt asleep on me....when we woke up we had sex again, a little more vanilla than before but not too much and he made me came, my cheek had swollen a lot in the meantime and he was very worried (in a good way..) and attentive and nice and insisted I put ice on it..I smiled at him and said:" it is just part of the game" :) ...the day after he messaged me to ask me if everything was ok (of course he meant the cheek...) and the day after I left and now I am back in the city I live. We haven't spoken since then, but this is normal and I was not expecting to or hoping for. But now my questions are: first, does he know what he was doing? I mean, EXACTLY what he was doing from a BDSM point of view, if you want? Or was it just what he felt like doing to me? this is why I gave so much details and I apologize about that, but when I started reading a little about BDSM after this, it seemed to me to find in his behaviour not just the traits of a sadist-without-really-knowing-it (...not really sure how to explain..) kind of guy... I mean, I know we never talked about it, what he could or could not do (you don't do that when you meet a guy in a club and just want to have sex...), but he brought me there little by little, always checking on me if it was fine and if it was what I wanted, never really hurting me, and the aftercare and also the bossiness with which he told me to put ice on my cheek :) ...he really really seemed he knew what he was doing to me and how to push my limits and he definitely pushed them all in the right ways.....I mean, I do not know this guy very well, how can I really approach this kind of conversation with him????? above all, if he didn't know what he was doing, I really would not know how to manage such a conversation.....the other question is: this experience kind of ...enlightened me :) I had a lot of different experiences in my life, some definitely extremes, lots of sex, some I thought at the time was extreme ;) I still love to continue to do all of that, but I thought that at this age there was not much more really NEW to discover...and then I found this....I started googoling and reading and oh my god, this is an entirely new world to be discovered and to explore and an entirely new way to discover and explore myself...and now all I want is to see where I can go from here and where he can take me, sexually, physically and psychologically....so maybe this is the problem and the question: I want him to bring me into this world, not somebody else, not really because I am developing feelings of other kind for this guy, which at the moment I am not, but because in my dating life I never found a guy like this: I enjoy sex without romantic feelings, but it has to be somebody I meet and feel drawn to, so I am definitely not prone to BDSM chats or munches or whatever in order to find this kind of experience. So, assuming he knew what he was doing, how can I really start this kind of relationship with him? how do we talk about this??? and above all, from all that I have read this relationships lead to a great intimacy and intense experiences and I am afraid that since he does not want to commit in a "normal-vanilla" way :) (which is definitely fine with me..for the moment...), he would anyway be scared of such kind of relationship...

Thanks a lot for the time you take reading this and I apologize for the length of my message and all the details not really related to BDSM, but I really felt I needed all of them in order to better describe my experience.

Taylor

Answer
taylor

True submissives give off all kinds of body language, masochists in particular.  It is there reaction to events, their total denial of self and the willingness to accept anything a dominant throws at them, even the eagerness whit which they receive it.  Having read your epistle,  clear the signs were there except for peeing on the floor, you did everything.  As to him being a real dom, real domes to not announce they demonstration and clearly to which you received clear demonstrations. Now it was clearly kinky sex, but with full control and domination, I am not sure a dom could ever have a straight suck and fuck situation.  Also the change up he gave clearly shows experience, focus and an true interest in fulfilling your needs. I am convinced from your explanation he knows EXACTLY what he was doing.   The fact he did it to you should make your fell honoured not question his motives, if received that question I would certainly slap you after such events.

Talk to him, be honest, clear and distinct.  I am sure he will not push back, he will accept this for what it is. But once you submit many more issues will occur most being around availability, and the level of independence you will retain including work.

Enjoy and be positive, I believe you come out "on bottom" just as you desire.

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Aramock Nanuck

Expertise

I will answer any questions concern the lifestyle and may annoy a few because I do dive into the history and psychology of this lifestyle in many of my answers. I have a partner a Femdom Mistress who shares my experiences and assets, as I hers. Also belonging to a couple groups in Europa and Asia. Traveling frequently between the continents. We tend to share information and discuss many of the topics frequently. I will focus on the core items around, training and relationship management for those that are interested.

Experience

I have been involved in the lifestyle since being introduced to it by my father at the age of 13. He was a master in the 50's to 80's but predated the popularity of Gor, and was Pharaonic in nature. I owned my own slaves since my early 20's. I have usually been part of a poly household. For about 6 years three of us ran a BDSM club in Prague until it was "acquired" by the Russian "businessmen". I do not hold any moral taboos about this lifestyle and at one time or another have experience or seen everything imaginable. It is in this absence of mrals that principles, protocols and personal honour must determine the worth of an individual. It is their clear and unwavering adherence to these ethics that make for stauncher things than those which some observance by mere lip service to common morals. When men/women of honour lead, then they do so without malice, without negativity and without thought of personal gain. It only then that they truly attain Dominon over others. Therefore in mastery comes a devotion to duty, and the existence, needs and desires of others that exceeds the submission mere slaves give to the Dominant. A Dominant one must lead, govern, educate and enrich the lives of subjects beign ruled... for otherwise they are but a sycophant and a tyrant. Hedonism and narcissism plays no part in this, it is an apparition that forms from acts done at much higher levels of meaning that mere morally bound persons can not see.

Organizations
I belong to a number of local clubs, and a loose association (not formal) of about 25 masters and mistresses here in Western Europe and Asia who share experiences, training and some exchange trade assets.

Publications
I have not published on BDSM under my name, but contribute frequently to forums. I am consolidating my writings slowly on DarkCastleSin.org for any that are interested in reading.

Education/Credentials
Not relevant although I do have a DCS and DT but I am not Christian so have no moral dilemmas with this lifestyle.

Awards and Honors
Not applicable here, come on in our lifestyle these do not exist but should. When was the last time we had public awards for Worlds Darkest Sadist, World's Most Gifted Shibaru Artist, Worlds Most Diligent Mentor, World's Most Gifted Enthusiast,

Past/Present Clients
Not relevant; private consults remain so.

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