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Hello,

I am a submissive in an online, long-distance relationship. I am new to the online world. I spoke and interacted with many, many Doms before choosing my Dom. We have been interacting for a little over two months. I made my decision about a month after knowing him. I chose him above the others for many reasons other than the ones I am listing here. There was an ease and openness to our communication. He said he would be clear and clean if he was no longer interested in continuing our interaction and wouldn't just disappear. Also he wanted a relationship and not just a hit an quit it kind of deal. I felt strongly that he was naturally dominant and not putting on a show. He treated me with respect and he took the time to spend time with me and getting to know each other. A majority of our conversations were 2-5 hrs, with 15 min. - 1 hr chats sprinkled when schedules did not permit lengthier ones. For a month we never went longer than 3 days without speaking to one another. Some of our conversations have not involved any sex at all, which I felt was healthy.

After choosing him, there were things happening in his life he needed to take care of and kept him very busy. I understood and worked on accepting he would not be as available as before. I explained to him that I could bear with it if he could just drop me a message here and there. Because if not my imagination will fill in the blanks and assume he is no longer interested. He said he would make an effort to do that. Also, after choosing him I had given him control of my orgasms. And twice I was left five and six days with no word from him. He always apologized without prompting from me when he had failed to do so. As a submissive I don't wish to place undue demands on my Dom, but I also have needs. Also, I have been very clear I don't wish to be in this if there is no interest on his end, and I don't want a note here and there, or anything for that matter, if it's not done willingly. I abhor the idea that it be done out of a sense of obligation or some chore.

We spoke just before the holidays, he would be going away and not able to communicate until after the NY. I was given control over my orgasms until then. He left me a few wonderful messages when he got back and finally were able to connect again. My orgasms were now in his control again as his schedule had settled and he said he would be more available from here on. Since that initial reconnection I left him two funny, sexy messages over a three day period. It has been five days and he has not been online and there is no word from him. I am confused and frustrated.

I know we need to talk, but I do not know how to broach this. And I feel some resentment which I don't wish to fester. Also, my feelings are somewhat hurt regarding this carelessness because it is something we have already addressed on two other occasions. Both times those discussions were conducted respectfully on both of our sides. However, now this has occurred for a third time I feel the trust is broken. I can admit also my pride does not wish to be the one to have to approach him first and leave a third message.

I apologize in advance for such a lengthy post. And I greatly appreciate any advice or insights you may have.

Sincerely,

luna

Answer
luna -

Sorry for your frustration.  Online relationships have their own added elements of difficulty.  And the lack of contact is one of them.

In the abstract, there can be many "good" reasons why you haven't heard from him - work or family obligations might have gotten in the way, he could be ill and unable to communicate, or he could be sorting out the relationship in his own mind and wanting to wait until he can discuss with you from a position of strength.

Unfortunately, there are also reasons that are less comforting.  The limitations of an online relationship might have diminished his interest, he could have found someone else, he might no longer want the responsibility and unwilling to admit that, or been busted by a jealous wife or girlfriend.  

You have a couple of choices to make.  The first is whether you want to try and fix things or move on.

It sounds like you are open to fixing them.  If so, I would encourage you to approach the conversation in a way that doesn't presume why he hasn't contacted you.  So "I miss communicating with you, and I'm hoping you can share with me what's going on so I understand why we haven't been in touch" is one way of bringing it up.  Take the time to truly listen to his response.  Does it ring true?  Is he interested in working things out?  does it sound like he's in a situation where he can assume the responsibility that you'd like to give to him?  If the answers are positive, then let him know you want to structure things so that he can once again exercise control and you'd like to work with him on how to do that.

If when you're listening to him your gut tells you it isn't going to work, then I'd encourage you to rip off the bandage and not keep setting yourself up.  

Either way, give some thought to whether long-distance online works for you.  I'm not being judgmental.  I understand that your situation only allows for this type of relationship. But you've already seen some of the challenges that online relationships face.  If it is possible, I'd encourage you to consider a real-time relationship - whether it is getting to that point with this Dominant or starting to look in your local community.

All the best,

Ben

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Ben Martin

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Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

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Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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