You are here:

BDSM/How to establish more respect from the submissive.

Advertisement


Question
My wife and I, have been playing with BDSM on/off for the last 9 years or so.
It started of with the usual stuff, small slaps, handcuffs and so on.
The last couple of years it has grown more and more.
We decided about 6 months ago to go fully D/s, when ever the kids weren't near (2 kids, 2 and 4 years).
I formed a contract, we both signed, she was collared on our wedding day (when we was alone).
We are not open about our lifestyle, but have some friends that have "idea's" about it.
We protect the kids from knowing or experience anything about it, by all means necessary.

Now here is the question :

The last couple of weeks, she has shown less and less interest in performing her tasks.
She isn't into painplay, so she is not doing it to be punished, and thereby getting what she wants.
I've tried talking to her about it, but she doesn't know what to do.
I have even asked her flat out, if she wanted to stop the D/s relationship for some time.
She doesn't want it to stop.
How do I establish more control ?
Should I be more vigorous in my punishment ?
Should I give more or less tasks ?

Given that we do have full time jobs, 2 kids, dog, house and all the other stuff.
Taking more time out of our calendars is hard.

Thank you in advance.

Answer
Michael -

It's difficult to know why she isn't doing her tasks. Ultimately, to be successful, the submissive has to be self-motivated to serve. Even when the task itself isn't enjoyable, the act of service is a motivator.

Some questions for you to ponder before talking with her more:

Are the tasks things you value and appreciate, or are you giving BS tasks "just because"?

Are the tasks reasonable? You mention she works, has kids to take care of, etc. are you focusing on tasks related to the needs at hand (like cooking or bathing the kids), or are you adding unrelated and frivolous things?

Are you providing clear expectations of what you want done and when? You might mean "today" and she thinks "when you can get to it"

Are you giving her praise when she accomplishes a task?

Are you modifying or eliminating tala that just aren't feasible?

Hopefully this provides worthwhile food for thought. Good luck

BDSM

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Ben Martin

Expertise

Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.