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Question
I was confused on a term my girlfriend used during a texting convo, relating to s&m.

her: I don't want to be this monster.Im terrified of taking things too far. I love you and I don't want to hurt you. I didn't stop through the phone with my ex. I made her.
me: You weren't with her physically though...? Im confused...
her: I didn't want you to know. I want you to see me as a good person. I need to be alone.

1) What does she mean when she says that she "made" her ex girlfriend? They weren't physically next to eachother so I don't understand.

2) how does S&M even transpire over the phone? How can you make someone do something from far away? What would be an example of what they were saying?

Thanks <3

Answer
Sadatra-

Consent is essential in what we do. It is one of the things that distinguishes S&M from abuse. So it's good that you're questioning.

Without knowing them and their relationship, I can't answer. I can only guess. It could be she has guilt about the relationship. Many sadists struggle with "doing bad things" - which again highlights the importance of consent. It could be that she manipulated her and got her to do things she really wasn't ok with. And then it could be the grey middle area - called "consensual non-consent" - I'm giving you permission to do things I'm going to fight against.

As to what kind of things that can be done without being face-to-face, the list is long. A person can be directed to: hit, cut, slap, bind, clamp, etc. anywhere with anything.

What you don't mention is a different set of questions I'd encourage you to explore:

Why is she telling you this?

Is she trying to scare you away?

How do you feel about her throwing out something that sends your mind reeling, then tells you she doesn't want to talk about it?

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Ben Martin

Expertise

Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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