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BDSM/Needing an online Dom

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QUESTION: I am new in the lifestyle and because of my life's situation, I am only able to enter into a Dom/Sub relationship online.  I have read enough and have asked friends that are in the lifestyle to know that the Doms I have found on my own are not what I need.  I am serious about this and I need a Dom that is seriously wanting an online relationship also.  Are there sites to go and find these Doms?  How do you recommend going about finding a Dom online?  Any advice or suggestions will be appreciated!

ANSWER: Sweet Pea -

Before sharing thoughts on where to look, let me tilt the question and encourage you to first consider what you are looking for:

What are your needs? Take time to explore what you hope to gain from such a relationship

What motivates your submission? Possibilities include: structure, consequences, attention, providing service, or hot sexual fantasy?

What do you hope to get out of the relationship? Is this a transition to a real-time relationship and you want to dip your toes in? Are you "filling a hole"?

What are your limits and boundaries? This is particularly important given the type of relationship you seek. Will you give this person access to personal information? Financial resources? Do you have time constraints when you can be available? Other obligations?

What are your communication needs and style?

What do you bring to the table?

Spend time on this. You can reach your destination if you don't know where you're going.

As to resources, they all have their limitations, fakes, wankers, etc. the sites I'm aware of (some are dating sites, some social networking) include: OKCupid, CollarMe, Alt and FetLife.

Best of luck

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much for your response!!  I will explore each question to its fullest.  Some questions I already know the answers to but others need to be explored more.  Once I have these answers, how do I find the Dom that will meet my needs and how do I know I will meet his?  What I am asking is when should all this come up?  I don't want to sound like I am interviewing him for a job!  What is your advice on how these topic should be brought up?  Which are the most important (in a Dom's eyes) to address first?  Thank you again for such an amazing response on the first question!!  :)

Answer
I'm glad you found the response helpful.

My suggestion is to ask the questions early - like in the first or second discussion. While I understand your hesitancy, it actually is like an interview (though best of don't conversationally). If the prospective partner gets their knickers in a knot (I'm not going to answer your questions; trust me - it will all work out) or can't articulate their own sense of needs/boundaries/style etc, then that's an early sign to move on.

Remember, until you consent to a relationship, you owe them nothing and they hold no sway over you

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Ben Martin

Expertise

Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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