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Question
So I'm a lesbian masochist, and Ive been seeing a girl who is a hardcore sadist. When we have sex, she is extremely rough with me, but I let her because I can take it and because I know her life hasn't been the best. She takes things out on me. However, after we're done she cries, sometimes for hours. She says its because shes hurting me, that she doesn't want to be a "monster". I don't know how to help her, she hates what she is. So much. But she gets "urges" to where she can't stop, and won't stop, hurting me. How can I help her get through her denial of wh she is? Should I leave the relationship if the sex gets too rough? I just don't know what to do.

Answer
Kassi -

Let's take your second question first. You describe yourself as a masochist. Do you enjoy how rough she is with you? If it fills a need and makes you happy, then it's good.

Many sadists have conflicting views of their actions. Remember that society teaches us not to hurt others. If your answer to the first question is you enjoy it, them you're in a great spot to help her come to terms with her sadism. Let her know how it makes you feel. Express gratitude. Tell her how it arouses and fulfills you. Tell her these things in bed ....and when you're not engaged sexually

Now, whether you should stay in the relationship is something only you can answer. Ask yourself if you're happy, if you feel comfortable to be yourself and loved for who you are

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Ben Martin

Expertise

Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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