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Question
Hi. I have been in a relationship with my Dom for 4 months and have been considered owned by Sir for a little over a month. Our relationship is solely between us, as our circumstances require it and it is a LDR. We are able to see each other every 4-6 weeks or so. For some time Sir has said He owns me and recently has instructed me that I must learn to submit to His ownership fully and completely.  He has never mentioned the term slave but has told me repeatedly I will do what He tells me without question.

My question after all of that is: Am I slave? My submission to him is so complete that I don't hesitate to serve Him, never question anything He tells me to do, always consider His pleasure before mine and do so regardless of the time of day or what else I have going on at the time.

My need to serve Him comes so natural to me that it often frightens me. As I said, I have no choice. He commands, I obey. I care deeply for Him as my Dom and know He cares for me, my well being and wants me to be happy, but I am confused as to whether He truly wants a slave.

Is there a way I can address this with Him without causing Him any displeasure? I don't want to change the dynamic of our relationship by questioning how He views my position.

Your help is most graciously appreciated.

Jeannette

Answer
Hi, Jeannette -- first off, your name, spelled that way, is the same as that of my Owner, who is sitting next to me on the couch as I reply to you.

The direct answer to your question about how to approach your Master is this: you must feel comfortable approaching him with any topic at any time or you risk drifting into an abusive relationship where his moods/attitudes threaten your ability to express your needs and concerns.  Master can't make good decisions without the full range of information that slave has.  In the process of making you a "slave", he can't be assured he is acting in the best interests of the relationship UNLESS you speak up.  You might want to pick up a copy of my book: "Master/slave Relationships: Communications 401 -- the advanced course".  It covers many, many communication strategies and work-arounds and is written specifically in Master/slave speak.  Among the suggestions in the book: set aside time weekly when you have "protected time" to speak to your Master about concerns and anxieties, etc.  Again, as a technical answer to your question... try this kind of phrasing: "Sir, may I have permission to speak freely, Sir?"  He may answer, "No", and if so, your reply might be, "Sir, I understand that this is not a good time to speak with you, when would be a good time to speak, Sir?"

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In my world -- as an author of books dealing with Masters, slaves, Doms, and subs -- the key differences between sub and slave are these...

The Dominant of a submissive usually has some areas of restricted control.  That is, while a Dom can't tell you to quit your job, your Master can.  While a Dom can't tell you when you will see members of your biological family, your Master can.  slavery is something of a "calling".  It is service and obedience.

Now: slavery is usually a heavily negotiated condition, for once entered into, Master is now responsible for slave's financial condition, emotional health, spiritual training, etc.  Master owns the slave as much as he/she owns a camera.  Now, here's the key to the puzzle:

Master is responsible for slave's needs while slave is responsible for Master's wants.

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That is what I write and speak about; that is how I frame the differences.  However, everyone does M/s and D/s a little differently and ultimately the terms mean what the two of you declare the terms to mean.

Hope that helps,

Bob and Jen

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Robert Rubel (Dr. Bob)

Expertise

Anything related to BDSM or Master/slave relationships or activities.

Experience

See: www.KinkMastery.com I live 24/7 Master/slave lifestyle and have since 2002 both as Master and slave. My Owner and I present and do "weekend intensives" internationally and at BDSM conferences practically every month.

Organizations
Masters And slaves Together (MAsT) National Leather Association - International (NLA-I) National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF)

Publications
+++ BDSM Mastery—Basics: your guide to play, parties, and scene protocols. +++ BDSM Mastery—Relationships: a guide for creating mindful relationships for Dominants and submissives +++ Master/slave Mastery: Updated handbook of concepts, approaches, and practices +++ Master/slave Mastery--Advanced: Refining the fire; ideas that matter +++ Master/slave Mastery--Protocols: Focusing the intent of your relationship +++ Is THAT What They Meant? A book of practical communication insights

Education/Credentials
PhD, Urban Education Policy Studies with a minor in criminology, U of Wisconsin, Madison. EdM, Boston University with specialty in urban education Presented 80+ BDSM weekend conferences worldwide since 2007.

Awards and Honors
Pantheon of Leather Community Choice - Man, 2008

Past/Present Clients
Not applicable.

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