BDSM/Am I a slave or sub?
Hi. I have been in a relationship with my Dom for 4 months and have been considered owned by Sir for a little over a month. Our relationship is solely between us, as our circumstances require it and it is a LDR. We are able to see each other every 4-6 weeks or so. For some time Sir has said He owns me and recently has instructed me that I must learn to submit to His ownership fully and completely. He has never mentioned the term slave but has told me repeatedly I will do what He tells me without question.
My question after all of that is: Am I slave? My submission to him is so complete that I don't hesitate to serve Him, never question anything He tells me to do, always consider His pleasure before mine and do so regardless of the time of day or what else I have going on at the time.
My need to serve Him comes so natural to me that it often frightens me. As I said, I have no choice. He commands, I obey. I care deeply for Him as my Dom and know He cares for me, my well being and wants me to be happy, but I am confused as to whether He truly wants a slave.
Is there a way I can address this with Him without causing Him any displeasure? I don't want to change the dynamic of our relationship by questioning how He views my position.
Your help is most graciously appreciated.
Hi, Jeannette -- first off, your name, spelled that way, is the same as that of my Owner, who is sitting next to me on the couch as I reply to you.
The direct answer to your question about how to approach your Master is this: you must feel comfortable approaching him with any topic at any time or you risk drifting into an abusive relationship where his moods/attitudes threaten your ability to express your needs and concerns. Master can't make good decisions without the full range of information that slave has. In the process of making you a "slave", he can't be assured he is acting in the best interests of the relationship UNLESS you speak up. You might want to pick up a copy of my book: "Master/slave Relationships: Communications 401 -- the advanced course". It covers many, many communication strategies and work-arounds and is written specifically in Master/slave speak. Among the suggestions in the book: set aside time weekly when you have "protected time" to speak to your Master about concerns and anxieties, etc. Again, as a technical answer to your question... try this kind of phrasing: "Sir, may I have permission to speak freely, Sir?" He may answer, "No", and if so, your reply might be, "Sir, I understand that this is not a good time to speak with you, when would be a good time to speak, Sir?"
In my world -- as an author of books dealing with Masters, slaves, Doms, and subs -- the key differences between sub and slave are these...
The Dominant of a submissive usually has some areas of restricted control. That is, while a Dom can't tell you to quit your job, your Master can. While a Dom can't tell you when you will see members of your biological family, your Master can. slavery is something of a "calling". It is service and obedience.
Now: slavery is usually a heavily negotiated condition, for once entered into, Master is now responsible for slave's financial condition, emotional health, spiritual training, etc. Master owns the slave as much as he/she owns a camera. Now, here's the key to the puzzle:
Master is responsible for slave's needs while slave is responsible for Master's wants.
That is what I write and speak about; that is how I frame the differences. However, everyone does M/s and D/s a little differently and ultimately the terms mean what the two of you declare the terms to mean.
Hope that helps,
Bob and Jen