BDSM/The next stage.
QUESTION: Dear Miss-L:
It has been a few months since I last wrote and I feel compelled to update you on what has been happening in my life. You have helped immeasurably in my journey the last two years. (On a somewhat related note, I cannot find the "rating" feature. I would love to share with others how I feel about your advice.)
To be closer to family, my girlfriend (now my fiance) and I have decided to move. She left earlier this week and I will join in the coming months. She has requested monogamy while she is away, which I will honor. (This will, as an aside, end the relationship I wrote to you about previously.) Although I won't be able to engage in a D/s relationship, I would like to use this time to become a stronger Dominant and I was curious if you had any suggestions. Perhaps I can share a few ideas I had?
Focus on diet and exercise. Aside from the strictly physical benefits, I believe a submissive will respond more deeply to a Dominant they feel is more physically present.
Reflection on my philosophy as a Dominant. What do I want for myself? For her? I have a few books (some of which you have recommended) that I have yet to read.
Is there anything else you can think of?
There is also a circumstance that I will need to face within the coming months that I was hoping I could ask your advice on. (It is a bit outside D/s proper, I hope that's okay.)
When I move, I will be in proximity to a close friend (Brian) and his girlfriend (Lora). This friend and I have historically had fairly fluid boundaries regarding our respective significant others, to whom we frequently find a mutual attraction. (Which I suppose makes sense given our relative similarities.) The last time I visited, Lora curled up in my lap and later gave me a kiss. She has contacted me since with an intimate undertone.
I acknowledge I could be misinterpreting her signs (or lack thereof), but I tend to trust my intuition in these matters. My question is... a few things.
Like Elise's partner, I want to avoid a sexual relationship with my friend. Unlike that circumstance, however, I have an existing emotional relationship with my Brian. If I chose to see how things develop with Lora, I was curious how I should approach things with my Brian. In the past, for example, I have taken care of his partner while he's been gone and vise verse. (Taking her out, tending to her while sick, checking in.) Is an approach like that advisable? Do you have other ideas?
Also, to what extend should a D/s dynamic play a part? It seems like some of your previous advise could apply here. If there's a difference, I think it's that I don't want to issue persistent displays of submission. (Like what shade of lipstick to wear.) For some reason, that is unappealing in this circumstance. I would prefer deep signs of submission for the time we're together. One (perhaps superficial) example might be requiring her to wear jewelry, or a certain low cut dress. What do you think?
Thanks again in advance for your advice. I wish there were something I could do to better thank you but, lacking that, I want you to know I appreciate all you have done for me and my submissives.
ANSWER: Hi Brian,
I'm thrilled to hear from you yet again and even more excited to hear about all the new changes you've had going on.
I am a controlling dominant, so I very much enjoy the ideas you have about controlling her diet and exercise. The books are also a good stepping stone.
I think I may have mentioned it before but I also thinking controlling what she wears sometimes and establishing long distance rituals could be a good way to keep exerting your dominance without physically being there.
Assuming she has a cell phone with camera, call her at work, text her something such as: Send me a picture in 15 minutes or less of a certain body part doing x,y,z, or wearing such and such.
When she's at home tell her to put the phone on speaker and masturbate. Speak continuously. Do not allow more than five seconds of silence. Start to count aloud when she is quiet.
You can tell her to find you three or more images in 5 minutes that show how she will submit to you next time you are together.
You could get her an ambiguously kinky present (necklace-like-a-collar, handcuff earring), tell her to wear it one day, and make her send you a picture immediately when you ask to prove she is wearing it as you direct.
The main focus is to not allow her too much thinking, you want reaction tinged with a bit of fear should she not perform as ordered. Make sure she is under pressure so she can't over-think what she does to comply. Promise more-than-play punishment (that genuinely hurts, not just to make her float) if she isn't promptly compliant.
The situation with your friend and his girlfriend is a bit more tricky. I would say talking to Brian directly (or as directly as your comfortable with) about your attraction and perhaps mutual attraction to Lora. See how he feels about you taking cues to taking care of her as you have done in the past with his girlfriends. I'm always touting to keep things open and honest so that there is little room for hurt feelings and misinterpretations.
I think if you're going down the same route of a D/s dynamic with the new girl most of the same rules can apply. Just be sure to see how deep she can tread in those waters.
I'm always happy to offer any advice that I can and apologize if I haven't given you much to go on this time, but perhaps you are getting good at giving yourself great advice it seems haha. Most of what you are thinking is what I would suggest.
I hope it all turns out well and always remember communication is the key to all.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Dear Miss-L,
Thanks again for your insight, specifically regarding Lora. I will be sure to tell you how things progress.
If I might clarify something, when I mentioned diet and exercise, I used it as an example of how I could improve myself as a Dominant. I do not currently have a submissive, so I can't currently carry out some of your suggestions. (Although I certainly will when there becomes a time.) I was curious how you think I could improve by focusing on myself.
Focusing on the diet and exercise makes sense to me because I feel a submissive responds better to a strong and energetic body. Her hands are behind her back because of her emotional submission, for example, but they stay there because my grip holds her.
I was curious if you had done anything in the past to improve.
Thank you again.
The power that comes with D/s is not unlike any other power. Many people crave it but few actually know how to handle it.
The most common mistakes when given unbridled power, is to become mean, cruel, cold, and distant.
However this isn't what a dominant should ever be. In my opinion a dominant should be a caring figure, a guide, a teacher, a protector. You should always have the best interest of the sub at heart. If you think being a dom is only about whipping, spanking, and ordering people around you're in the wrong mindset (these are what constitutes an egomaniac and/or sadist).
But this isnít what a Dominant should be. A Dom should be a father, an older brother, a guide, a protector, a teacher. A Dom should ALWAYS have the best interest of the Submissive at heart.
Personally I live by a my own code within D/s situations which is to never ask a sub to do something that I wouldn't do. I've built upon that by bettering myself mentally, physically, and emotionally.
Mentally: I've learned proper safety procedures for any rope bondage and impact play I do. I am also CPR & First Aid certified. I've taken the time to read books that I believe will better me as a dom. I have a penchant for mind fuckery and I love reading materials on controlled manipulation and subtle hypnosis.
Physically: I practice yoga so as to be flexible. I lift weights when I can. I push myself to reach my goals and sometimes beyond. I like being able to overpower (or closely match) most of my subs physically.
Emotionally: I constantly check myself to make sure I am not abusing my position as a dom (see above explanation), I've learned how to show empathy while still exerting my presence.
These are just some of the things I've done to make myself into the dom I want to be.
I hope this is more along the lines of what you were asking.
Good luck finding your way into a dominant position that you're comfortable with.