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Question
I previously sent you an email on Oct 23 asking your advice on finding an online Dom.  Since then, I have found a Dom and we are in 24/7 relationship.  This is my first experience with D/s and it has gotten very intense very quickly.   I am married and Sir knew I was married from day one.  We discussed my marriage in great detail.  In the last two weeks, our relationship has hit some rough points because of the times I can not be with Sir because I am spending time with my husband and kids.  My husband and I do not have the best marriage and he is very degrading.  This bothers Sir and Sir had a really hard time (as did I) the last time my husband and I had sex.  This is what I think set our last two rough weeks in motion.  Sir is very protective of me.  

I can not offer a 24/7 relationship to Sir at this point.  Even when my marriage ends, I will still have two children to consider.  I have read some articles that talk about a D/s relationship that is limited to a few hours a day or such.  Do you think this is a possibility to "dial back" our relationship?  I don't even know what exactly a D/s relationship a few hours a day would consist of.  Can you please give me some direction?

Answer
Sorry to hear you're running into some conflicts.

Whether online, long-distance, or in-person, having a parallel relationship can be challenging: the submissive can grow frustrated that the Dominant isn't available or able to "protect"; the Dominant can be frustrated that the submissive isn't available or things are done as desired; and both can feel frustrated by managing time and the conflicts between the two relationships.

To answer your question, a power-based relationship can take any form that both parties agree to. You could agree that his authority exists only during the time you two are communicating, or that you'll be available two hours every day, or that certain areas (care of your kids, finances, whatever) are outside his authority.

If you think about it, there are probably many things that are already outside his control (when the kids go to bed, when you use the bathroom, which brand of coffee, what route you drive to the market). What you would be doing is defining and negotiating the boundaries  

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Ben Martin

Expertise

Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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